(Ish: I got my handle from the film Life of Brian. The name of Biggus Dickus' buxom wife was...Incontinentia Buttocks! Right, then...time for a bit of general silliness...)
Maximus' Great Army stood to attention in lines outside the walls of Rome. Caesar had ordered all the heavy outer gates to the city shut. His legions stood ready to charge at each entrance. Tower guards walked the walls, ballistas and cauldrons of boiling oil at the ready. Behind the legions, Incon's elephants stood patiently, waiting to defend at their mistress's command. Occasionally, one of them would burp.
Caesar viewed the brewing trouble from the vantage point of a secured tower. "This is madness," he muttered.
"I agree," Titanicus nodded. "If this gets started, there's no telling where it will end."
"It will end in victory!" Civis insisted, then added "...for us, of course..."
Incon was deep in thought. Without another word she started down the steps of the tower.
"Off to check on your elephants?" Thanh asked.
"Nope," she shook her head, "off to find another rodent. Be right back."
"What *is* it with that girl and rodents??!" Civis huffed.
"Don't you know?" Titanicus asked him. "Incontinentia's good friends with Governor Mouse of Rome. The mice, rats, hamsters, gerbils and voles of this province are the best messengers you can find."
Incon soon returned, but instead of her governor's robes she was wearing her best Lambada'ing toga. (It was rather fetching.) "We'll be ready in a few minutes," she informed the gatekeeper, who worked the petard controls from the tower. "Wait for my signal."
"What the devil's going on??" Civis demanded. "This is no time for doing the Lambada!!"
A frosty silence filled the room as Incon turned blazing eyes on Civis. Everyone took two cautious steps away from him.
"There's *always* time for a Lambada," she informed him soberly. Then she turned to the gatekeeper. "We're ready," she announced. "OPEN THE GATES!!"
Caesar Thanh heard a clanking of pikes and shields as his legions parted to allow a huge army of....bathgirls past and through the open gates. They were closely followed by a group of musicians from the Hippodrome.
Upon the hill, a messenger approached Maximus. "My Lord," he panted, "something is happening! They're opening the gates!"
"Excellent!" Maximus beamed. "If Thanh wants a battle, that's what he'll get. Tell the men to be ready for my signal."
"But - Lord Maximus!" the messenger cried, "those aren't Roman legions coming out the front gate!"
"What is it, then?" Maximus demanded. "Elephants? Catapults?? Machines of War???"
Before the messenger could reply, strains of music could be heard coming from the makeshift battlefield. Maximus recognised the theme for The Lambada.
Everyone's jaw dropped as legion upon legion of saucy, buxom, scantily-clad bathgirls pranced down the field, all Lambada'ing beautifully. They twirled, dipped, and generally shook their moneymakers at Maximus' army, who stood still, open-mouthed and stunned. One particularly cheeky blonde bathgirl skipped up to the army's field commander, wrapped her arms around his neck and started shimmying, smiling all the while. The poor man dropped his weapons in shock.
"This is ridiculous!" Maximus fumed.
"You've got to admit, though, My Lord," Pepius said beside him, "they've certainly got rhythm. And that tune is rather entrancing..." He began to bounce lightly on his toes in time to the music.
Maximus looked on in dismay as a few of his men dropped their weapons and began to dance with the girls. Soon the whole battlefield was starting to turn into one great big Lambada-thon.
"GET THOSE BATHGIRLS!!" Maximus ordered.
"No, My Lord!" Pepius bounced at him. "You can't order the men to shoot on innocent women!"
"Call that *innocence*?!?!?" Maximus pointed down into the crowd. "Pepius...have you ever BEEN to a Roman bathhouse???"
"You've got a point," Pepius agreed, before the rhythm got to him entirely and he skipped down the hill to the field, where he found an eager and willing dance partner.
Meanwhile, up on the tower, Incon was smiling at her girls, swinging her hips slightly and snapping her fingers in time to the music. "Neat, eh?" she beamed at the men.
Titanicus was swaying in time beside her, enjoying the music. "Where did you find them all?" he asked.
"They're all my dance students!" Incon replied over the din. "See that group of brunettes over there? That's the Londinium All-Categories Lambada Dance Championship Team!!"
Caesar Thanh was stunned to silence. He looked down and saw a few of his men looking at the dance party longingly, wanting to join in. Behind them some of the elephants were swinging their trunks in time to the music. Up on the walls, a few tower guards were exchanging dips and twirls with each other, smiling. They immediately stopped and resumed battle positions when they saw Caesar glaring at them.
Civis lowered his head into one hand. "I'm going to go down in history for this one," he sighed resignedly.
Thanh turned to the others and said...