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Topic Subject:Tales of Rome - Story Thread
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Civis Romanus
posted 12-14-99 15:48 ET (US)         

CONTENT: Myth, Allegory, Satire, Fantasy.
TONE: Comedy, Serio-comedy.
MOOD: Lighthearted.
STYLE: Anything goes. Be Dickens or Hemingway or anyone in between.


Big Tusky (aka. BT or Tusky): Pet Carthaginian elephant belonging to Incontinentia.
Incontinentia (aka. Incon): Adventuress, Governor of Londinium, and founder of the RSPCE.
Jayhawk (aka. Angel Jayhawk, Seraph): Benevolent immortal magical person with black wings who enjoys the company of mortals, especially the company of Incontinentia.
Civis Romanus(aka. Civis): Imperial Commander of the Legions of Rome. Otherwise, just plain old Civis, swordsman and occasional teller of bad jokes. Consort of Apolita.
Titanicus (aka. none): Sorceror of Celtia. The most powerful mortal magician in the Roman Empire.
Legionnaire Lethargic (aka. Lethargic): Roman soldier and adventurer.
Chunky (aka. none): Citizen of Rome, merchant and adventurer.
mouse (aka. none): Rodent resident of Egypt with unique powers of human communication. Ally of Big Tusky and Incon.
MRed (aka. none): Friend and ally of Incontinentia who is hopelessly addicted to herbals.
Wendoolicus (aka. Wend): Another friend and ally of Incontinentia, somewhat more shy and quiet than the others.
Caius Menginus (aka. Caius): Former Asst. Commander of the Legions of Rome.
Gustavia (aka. none): Friend of Incon and mouse.
Ramesses (aka. Pharaoh Ramesses): Descendent of Ptolemaic line of former kings/queens of Ancient Egypt.

NON PERSONAL CHARACTERS: (To be added as they appear)
Legionnaire Flavius Equius (aka. Flavius): Friend of Legionnaire Lethargic.
Apolita (aka. none): Consort of Civis Romanus.
Anhky (aka. none): Kitten (as in cat)friend of mouse.
Servicus Menginus (aka. Servicus): Father of Caius Menginus and a sorceror in his own right.
Nephisis (aka. none): Consort of Ramesses.

[This message has been edited by Civis Romanus (edited 02-02-2000).]

Civis Romanus
posted 12-14-99 16:03 ET (US)     1 / 147       
Incontinentia was sitting on her highly decorated, well carved, resplendent...governor's chair, waiting for the room to clear.

Nothing ever happens here, she was thinking as the last clerk and official left her governing chamber. Just another boring day in Londinium. Why can't these days be as exciting as the time we visited King Tut, or when we were in trouble with Deyhawk or taking that trip down the Nile or...or...or, what's that? What's the matter with Tusky?

Incon leaped off her chair and looked out of the opening in the wall of her Governor's villa only to see Big Tusky having an absolute fit.

"Tusky, what's wrong?!" she cried out to the perturbed pachyderm. BT heard Incon's cry and turned his head trumpeting for all he was worth.

Incon rushed out of her villa and into Tusky's yard forming the soothing baby words in her mind she would use to calm her rampaging pet. Then she would find out what was wrong, for Tusky never before behaved this way as far back as Incon could remember.
Civis Romanus

posted 12-14-99 19:43 ET (US)     2 / 147       
"Tusky! Tuskeeee!! C'mere, boozhy-woozhee babeee..."

Tusky stopped trumpeting at the sound of his mistress's voice. Despite being a huge, resplendently-tusked elephant, he could never resist a bit of baby-talk.

He allowed Incon to stroke his trunk for awhile, then pointed to the closed gate. Incon looked in the direction he was pointing. "What's eating you, big fella? What's wrong?"

Tusky shook his massive head and pointed harder.

"Open the gates!" Incontinentia ordered.

"Huh...?" The gate guard, who'd been up late at the previous night's monthly Lambada-thon, looked at her blearily.

"I said," Incon put her hands patiently on her hips, "...OPEN THE RUDDY GATES!!!!! On command of your GOVERNOR!!!"

The gate guard immediately snapped to attention. "Y-yes, your dancing Lambada-ness!" he replied, and set about working the Central Gate Controls.

Big Tusky approached the main gate to Londinium, and pointed with his trunk. Incontinentia looked to where he was pointing, only to see...

Caesar Alan
posted 12-14-99 19:59 ET (US)     3 / 147       
...A troupe of dancers parading towards the city gates. At the rear of the troupe she could just make out three figures on horseback. One of them carried a red flag with a strange barbarian symbol on it. As the dancers neared the city gates, Incon could see that behind the three riders was a train of heavily-laden camels.

As the trio approached, Tusky let out a huge bellow, and charged off towards them. Incon followed more slowly, certain that the trio looked familiar. When she realised who they were, she let out a whoop of delight...

Caesar Alan
Forum Wordmaster
Forum Pizza Chef

Caesar Alan
posted 12-14-99 20:39 ET (US)     4 / 147       
"Wend, Mred - what on earth are you doing here? And who are all these people?"

"Well, we heard you've been feeling a bit low recently, so we thought we'd have a party. Actually, it was Kia's idea."
Pharaoh MRed replied

"Kia? You mean the one with the flag?"

"Yes. Now that MRed here has been made Pharaoh, we've got all sorts of servants lying around the place. Kia here is first steward." Wend answered, "Anyhow, we decided to bring along a bite or two to eat, and some entertainment. These dancers, you know, fantastically cheap. There's a brass band tucked away somewhere on one of those camels. Well, the instruments that is."

"Looks like you brought enough to feed an army"

"Actually we did. You don't think we travel without a bodyguard do you?"....

Eminence Grise
posted 12-15-99 07:44 ET (US)     5 / 147       
Incon looked a bit further than her friends and indeed there were two regiments of archers and a regiment of heavy infantry behind them. Looking rather dusty, which for Britannia, where it normal rains at least once a day, was pretty impressive.

"Come", she said, and motioned her friends to follow her. The veritable army followed.

Civis Romanus
posted 12-16-99 11:43 ET (US)     6 / 147       
In the Headquarters of the Imperial Legions, Civis Romanus, Commander of the Legions of Rome, was pondering the meaning of a strange dispatch he received regarding the Eastern Empire.

"Elephants on a rampage in Egypt and Palestine. What could be the cause of this behaviour?" The messenger from Caesar stood quietly, not responding as Civis talked out loud to himself. "Messenger, thank you. Advise Caesar I understand and will comply. You are dismissed." The messenger saluted and exited the chamber.

Strange, very strange, Civis thought. But this is not a military matter. Caesar has made that very clear. How can we learn more about this problem. I think we need someone who understands elephant behaviour, someone who can investigate the problem and discern its cause, Incon!

Civis leaped up from his chair and hurried to the door, opened it and called for his scribe. The very experienced clerk left his writing table and brought a fresh scroll to take the message from Civis.

"Scribe, begin this way: Hail, Incontinentia, Governor of Londinium. There is trouble among the elephants of the Eastern Empire. Caesar has commanded me to recruit the most knowledgeable person in the empire and solve this problem. You are that person. Therefore, by Caesar's authorization I give you temporary leave from your duties in Londinium to investigate and solve these and any related problems you find. You are requested to make passage to the Eastern Empire with whatever assistants you need. Big Tusky may be very valuable in this mission. Prepare to make one intermediate stop in Rome to meet with me before final passage to the Eastern Empire."

Civis signed the message with his seal ring and the scribe saw to the message's dispatch via messenger. "This will take some time to arrive in Londinium. I wonder what Incon is doing right now?" he wondered to no one in particular.

To an aide in the other room: "Have they tracked down Legionnaire Lethargic or Legionnaire Flavius yet?"

"We are still seeking them, Commander," came the reply.

I didn't have a chance to reward them for their service against Deyhawk, thought Civis. Hope they are well. "Give me word as soon as they are located and brought back to Rome," Civis said in return.

Meanwhile, in Londinium, the evening banquet has begun...
-Civis Romanus

[This message has been edited by Civis Romanus (edited 12-16-99).]

Bob the Lethargic
posted 12-16-99 12:45 ET (US)     7 / 147       
“I don’t care what the message says, I don’t want to go to Rome. And you can’t make me. Something bad always happens when we go to Italia “said Legionnaire Lethargic as he leaned back in his bunk.

Flavius Equius continued to plead. “But it’s Civis asking for help from both us and Lady Incontinentia. We must go. Honor demands it.”

“Honor with doses of seasickness and elephant droppings by what that message says. Not to mention all that baby elephant talk by Incon. Nope, no way. Nothing could get me to go.” responded Lethargic.

Flavius quickly tried a different approach. “If we’re staying we’ll be on stable duty for Christmas Eve.
Besides, I thought Incontinentia still owed you 200 dinarii for that elephant armor she threw away”

Lethargic quickly jumped from his bunk. “Money? What money? Oh yeah, MY MONEY!
Why didn’t you say that in the first place Flavius. Why are you just standing around?
Hurry up and get packed. We’ve got a boat to catch.”

And the two legionnaires quickly began packing for the trip.

All roads lead from the winery, then to the olive farm, and finally to the bath house!!

[This message has been edited by Bob the Lethargic (edited 12-16-99).]

posted 12-16-99 15:58 ET (US)     8 / 147       
Meanwhile, that evening in Londinium...

Incontinentia and her friends were definitely giving it some on the dancefloor. She had welcomed her old pals into her beloved city, opened the gates, hired the bathgirls, struck up the band, paid for the bar and set the party in motion.

Just after midnight, she and Jayhawk were enjoying their 5th Lambada when a servant approached her and bowed. "An urgent message from Commander Civis Romanus, my lady!" he gasped.

"Huh?" Incon cocked an eyebrow at him. "I can't hear you over the band, Misleddius! Speak up!" She continued dancing with the angel.

"My Lord Civis Romanus says there's an urgent problem in the Eastern Empire!" Misleddius shouted, bobbing up and down in time with his mistress.

"Eh? What's that about a Frozen Umpire?!" Incon shouted back.

"No, Mistress! The EASTERN EMPIRE!!"

"Well...what about it?" she demanded as Jayhawk dipped her. "Nice climate, good carpets...what's Civis on about??"

Angel Jay pulled her upright. "Perhaps you should hear him out. It sounds important," he said.

Incon sighed, shrugged, and pulled her servant aside and let him read the entire scroll to her.

She gasped. She turned faintly pale. She stopped a passing drinks servant and grabbed a goblet of wine.

After draining the goblet, she turned to Misleddius. "Get Tusky ready," she ordered, "we're going on another trip."

"A trip?" Mred and her dancing partner - the Champion Gladiator Muscle-Boundius- bounced by at that moment. "Off to the olive grove? The winery? The wine's running a bit low..."

"No," Incon replied, "I've been ordered by Caesar to sort out some perky pachaderms in the Eastern Empire."

"What's that about a Feasting Vampire?" Wendoolicus approached the group and asked. "Oy, Incon...d'you know the wine's running low?"

"EASTERN EMPIRE!!!" everyone shouted at her at once, which made her jump slightly.

"Letitia! More wine and lots of it!!" Incon called to her buxom, blonde servant, who jumped off the lap of the Legionnaire she was sitting on, giggled, and skipped off toward the kitchens.

"Sorry to leave the party early, folks," Incon apologised, "but, when an elephant's in trouble..."

"THE R.S.P.C.E. CANNOT BE FAR BEHIND," everyone (who knew the RSPCE's motto) intoned for her.

Incon nodded her appreciation, put two fingers to her mouth and whistled a special signal. Within moments Big Tusky came galloping up to her in the courtyard...dragging poor Misleddius, who'd been attempting to put his back blanket on him when his mistress called.

Tusky obediently raised a foreleg so Incon could climb aboard. Jayhawk approached them. "But - you can't go on your own! It could be dangerous!"

"You've got a point," Incon agreed, and looked round at her friends, and party going on in the background. "Alright...I've got enough elephants for all of us to ride to the coast, and catch safe passage to the Continent. Who's with me?!"

posted 12-16-99 16:09 ET (US)     9 / 147       
Chunky leaned back in his padded chair, and let out a contented sigh. He had just finished the first part of his 'Histories of Augustus', and felt he deserved a break. A wide smile broke accross his face as he pondered his next work, 'A Bestiary of the East'. Hmmmm, this one would require practical knowledge......

Dulce et Decorum est pro Patria Mori

Eminence Grise
posted 12-16-99 16:51 ET (US)     10 / 147       
Incon was looking smugly at the angel.
"What is it?" he asked his friend.
"I just realised, " she replied.
"I won't be going along, 'cause you're coming with me."
"Come on, you can travel with me. Tusky nows you and we could do with some aerial reconnaissance"
"But, Rostja..."
"Aw, come on. Say yes. You wouldn't let me go all alone into the wilderness? Through the Black Forest? Cross the Carpathian Mountains?"
Jayhawk sighed
"I'll come with you."
He looked upwards and asked the empty space above him,
"When could I ever say no to her?"
Incontinetia threw him a bright smile, raised herself on her toes and gave him a kiss.
"You're an angel"

Wen and MRed returned and told Incon.
"We're going with you"
"I sent Kiya back"
"With the troops"
"Couldn't very weel take them with us"
"Feeding an army you know?"

Bob the Lethargic
posted 12-16-99 18:08 ET (US)     11 / 147       
At the port of Roman, two soggy figures were wringing out their salt-water soaked tunics.

“Well we made good time getting here,” said Flavius, “even if we did have to swim to shore. Your buddy Hannibal sure is paranoid about stepping foot in Italia again.”

Lethargic shrugged his shoulders as he pulled a live fish from his backpack and threw it back into the bay. “With the reward that’s been placed on his head by the Emperor I don’t blame him a bit. I can’t believe he doesn’t even have a rowboat on that old garbage scow he calls a boat. But at least he gave us a free lift all the way from Lindum. Now let’s go find Civis.”

As the two soldiers walked from the docks and approached the gates of Rome Lethargic spotted an old familiar Egyptian face.

“Ahab, my old friend. What a surprise. What are you doing in Rome?” asked Lethargic. “You look lost.”

“Legionnaire, it is good to see you once again. Still wrestling elephants?” Ahab replied with a laugh. “Civis Romanus sent me a message saying he has a task for me as a guide in my old homeland. When he made mention of your name in his dispatch I came at once from my retirement villa in Capua. Do you have any idea what he wants? And how do you plan to make money while doing it this time you old con artist?”

“No details yet” answered Lethargic. “But since we’re now in Rome, I imagine we’ll soon find out.”

The three wanderers walked through the streets of Rome and finally arrived at Civis’ villa. They were led in by one of the guards and taken directly to the reception hall of the villa where Civis was waiting. After Civis, Lethargic, and Flavius exchanged hearty hellos Lethargic introduced Civis to Ahab. Lethargic then told Civis about elephant wrestling, pachyderm gymnastics, and the fine art of betting with arrogant Arab traders to increase one’s income. Civis was laughing quite loudly when one of the guards came in.

“Commander, more guests have arrived. Make that a lot more guests and several thirsty looking elephants.”

Bob the Lethargic
posted 12-16-99 19:34 ET (US)     12 / 147       
While Civis was busy greeting the new arrivals, Lethargic casually wandered over to the Commander’s desk and began to read through the Egyptian dispatches. As he read each dispatch his face took on a more and more worried look. Flavius crossed over to the desk and asked him what was the matter.

Lethargic looked up at Flavius and spoke. “As I read these dispatches I get the sinking feeling that I might have an answer to what’s going on. But I don’t think Incontentia is going to like it.”

“What are you talking about?” asked Flavius.

Lethargic put down the dispatches and began to explain.

“Remember our little trip a few years back to Egypt when we had to bail Incontentia out of trouble with the bankers? I kind of borrowed Tusky for awhile to raise money for her bail. He was sort of a hero to the local elephants that we met. So while we were performing up and down the Nile, I took it upon myself to let Tusky feel his oats you might say. He really got carried away spreading goodwill and his own form of cheer among the local female pachyderms.”

“Later when Incontentia rejoined us I never bothered to mention this to her. I figured she would not be the least bit happy about her baby growing up without her permission. Besides she would have killed me. According to the dispatches all the elephants raising such a ruckus in the Eastern Frontier seem to be of about the same age and general description. And the times seem to be about right.”

Flavius said “You’re not saying what I think you’re saying?”

Lethargic shook his head and answered. “Come on we better tell Civis.
I’m afraid that what we’ve got here is a bunch of angry kids looking for their long lost DADDY!

[This message has been edited by Bob the Lethargic (edited 12-16-99).]

Civis Romanus
posted 12-16-99 21:23 ET (US)     13 / 147       
Civis sat down hard on his curved seat (chair, that is). "You're very sure about this, Lethargic? About Tusky and his uhhhh...foraging?"

"Yes, about as sure as I can be," replied the Legionnaire.

"Does Incon know?"

"No, I don't think so."

"I'm not sure I would want to be in your sandals if or when she finds out."

"That's why I think it best I go with them. Flavius too. I'll try to ease the shock when she finds out. Flavius will be there to keep me from being torn limb from limb by our somewhat emotional (on the subject of Tusky) Governor."

Civis simply sat there staring at Lethargic. Way down deep something pushed his 'mirth button' and laughter began to congeal in his mind, it soon spread to the corners of his eyes, to his mouth and finally to his voice.

The guffaws poured out. Lethargic and Flavius looked at Civis and then at each other. Unable to contain themselves, all dignity lost, they promptly joined in until the entire chamber was reverberating to their peals of laughter.

Civis finally gained some semblance of control and began wiping the tears of mirth from his eyes. "Legionnaires, I have some unfinished business with you." His expression became more serious, even as his voice remained good humored in tone.

"Yes, Commander?"

"By direction of Caesar, I am pleased to present to you both these scrolls bearing the personal seal of Caesar expressing his gratitude for your service to Rome in the matter of Deyhawk. Also, I am authorized to give you as your reward these pouches containing one full year's salaria to have as your own in addition to the salaria you will normally receive over the next 12 months."

"Caesar is most generous," said Lethargic and Flavius giving the traditional response when accepting a boon from Caesar.

"One thing more," continued Civis. "In appreciation of your service to Rome and to me in particular, by the authority vested in me as Commander of the Imperial Legions, I offer to both of you promotion to the rank of Cohort Leader to be yours when you desire to assume those duties."

Lethargic and Flavius looked at each other surprised and speechless...

HG Alumnus
posted 12-17-99 07:59 ET (US)     14 / 147       
An Egyptian rodent scurried into the new home of mouse with a scroll. Oh mouse this just came from Rome. They need your help in the eastern empire with an elephant problem.

Oh dear it must be all of BT's children acting up. Knew that would happen when they found out about Daddy. Pack my bags I will meet my friends to see if we can calm those children down. What will the Lady Incontinentia say when she finds out what LL allowed Bt to do while raising money for her rescue.

hmmm maybe it would be a good idea to see if we can contact Clan Leader Angel Reckless Rodent. His cloud sure would come in handy right about now. Since MRed fixed it would be the best way to travel and the fastest.

posted 12-17-99 10:37 ET (US)     15 / 147       
Chunky hurried down the corredor, dwon towards Civis' room. His mind was working on overtime - how would he convince Civis to lend him a few bodyguards to take to the East?

As Chunky walked through the final door, he noticed a few friends he hadn't seen in a while.

"Lethargic and Flavius, I haven't seen you two since, well, since that accident with the hot water in the bath-house."

Flavius blushed; clearly this memory still invoked strong emotions in him. Civis wasted no time by getting to the point,

"What do you want Chunky? I told you I was a soldier, not a historian!"

"Well, I'm here to offer you the chance of a lifetime; how would you like an excuse to send some soldiers to the East on a spying exercise?"......

Dulce et Decorum est pro Patria Mori

Civis Romanus
posted 12-17-99 11:09 ET (US)     16 / 147       

[This message has been edited by Civis Romanus (edited 12-17-99).]

posted 12-17-99 11:09 ET (US)     17 / 147       
The travellers from Londinium dismounted and allowed Civis Romanus' many servants to take their bags up to the guest rooms. Incon oversaw the feeding and watering of the elephants (not to mention the cuddling, trunk-hugging and giving of pieces of sugar cane to each one).

Jayhawk joined the others inside, and hearty greetings were said all round. Flavius looked around. "Anyone seen Lethargicus?"

"He's gone out to the stableyard the Eastern situation to Incontinentia. And her pet's involvement...if you catch my drift..." Civis explained.

"Ye gods, he's a brave man," MRed commented, lighting up a herbal. Everyone nodded in agreement.

Everyone stood in momentary silence. Then Wendoolicus asked, " d'you think it's going?"

"YOU *WHAT*!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" came the Londinium governor's infuriated shriek from the yard, breaking the stillness.

"I think that's you're answer," Flavius sighed.

"We better go see if he's okay," Civis headed for the back door, closely followed by the others.

They found Incontinentia chasing poor Bob around the yard, a determined scowl on her face. They in turn were chased by Big Tusky, who was trying to catch his mistress before she turned his friend into a very messy pile of red goo.

"Incon - think about what you're doing!" MRed called. "He's one of your best mates!"

"Then I'll bring a BIG BUNCH OF FLOWERS TO HIS FUNERAL!!" she yelled back.

Jayhawk sighed, thrust his arm out and caught the governor by her robe collar. She nearly few out of her toga, but not before the angel yanked her to an upright position. Tusky stopped by her side and started to curl his trunk around her arm apologetically.

"My poor boozhee-boy," Incon sighed, "...surrounded by all those...loose-moralled, long-trunked TARTS...probably batted their eyelashes at him...*slappers*...'ere, you don't think they'll want palimony, do you??"

"As far as we know, the rampaging herd is just looking for its father," Civis informed her.

"*Herd*?" Incon went white. "How many of these young elephants are there?"

Bob cautiously approached her, and told her. Then ducked instinctively.

Incon's eyes popped wide open. (Actually, *everyone's* eyes widened considerably at that number.) She looked aghast at her pet. "My...we WERE a busy boy while I was incarcerated...weren't we?"

Tusky started to blush, then grinned smugly.

"So," Flavius said, "what next?"

"Well, first I order Tusky to severely trunk Lethargic, then--" Incon started.

"Tusky's not trunking anyone!" Jayhawk commanded. "I've heard mouse is making her way here to help out. I suggest we all have a meal, some wine, relax in Civis' excellent library with a herbal (thank you, MRed) and wait for her. We can get underway as soon as we're all together."

"Agreed," Civis nodded, and went inside to order the preparations for supper.

Incon followed the others, but not before narrowing her eyes at her best friend and wagging a finger very hard in his direction. When her back was turned, Tusky's smug, satisfied grin grew even wider...

Civis Romanus
posted 12-17-99 11:25 ET (US)     18 / 147       
Before he proceeded too far into his villa Civis turned and motioned to Chunky to follow. When Chunky caught up to Civis, the Commander said to him, "If what you have to say will enhance the glory of Rome and the majesty of Caesar, you have a very willing listener."

Chunky carefully thought about what he would say before he presented his idea to Civis...

-Civis Romanus

Bob the Lethargic
posted 12-17-99 13:11 ET (US)     19 / 147       
The group was sitting around the reception hall imbibing some imported wine while waiting for the others to arrive. Incontinentia had calmed down considerably since the courtyard ruckus but was still giving Lethargic ice dagger stares. At least the two of them were now talking in a reasonable tone to each other. As more wine was poured and olives passed around the group watched and were amused as Lethargic tried to further calm down Incontinentia.

“Here, have another olive,” said Lethargic to Incon. “And some more wine. It will help you to relax.”

“Relax?” responded Incontentia. “ I’ll relax when someone finally decorates a cross with your body. How could you lead my poor baby down the road of moral turpitude like that? He’s was so innocent.”

“Innocent?” replied Lethargic. “I don’t think you give him enough credit. He’s not too shy about offering peanuts to any female elephant that flutters an eyelid at him. It wasn’t my idea for him to get his own personal harem. Did you ever try to stop him when he really, really wants to do something? It’s like trying to halt the chariot racers in the Circus Maximus. If you don’t get out of the way, someone is going to have to dig you out of the sand with a shovel.”

Incontinentia still wasn’t buying into Lethargic’s excuses. “But he’s led such a sheltered life. Where would my baby learn to behave like that?”

Without thinking Lethargic said, “Sheltered life? You’ve got to be kidding. Did you ever consider he just might have learned a thing or two from your constant parties?”

The rest of the group looked at each other and began to move out of the line of fire. Seeing Incontinentia’s eyes start to flare Lethargic quickly tried a different tack.

“Forget I said that,” Lethargic quickly said. “He was probably just doing what comes naturally. But I think you’re missing the positive aspects of this.”

“What positive aspects are you talking about you morally corrupt weasel?” asked Incontinentia.

And with a smile Lethargic said the magic word that never fails to pacify a woman’s ire.


Suddenly Incontinentia’s attitude changed. A glazed look came over her eyes as the well-know grandmother gene kicked in. She finally began to smile in a rather foolish fashion.

“Oh that’s right, GRAND-CHILDREN!” she said in a cooing voice. “Lots of cute little boozhee-babies.”

Bob the Lethargic

posted 12-17-99 15:46 ET (US)     20 / 147       


PAC used her toe ring [well, it had turned into an ankle bracelet actually] to carve another notch onto the ships deck.
"How long has it been now?" asked PCD
"I make it about two months" sighed PAC "I am sure I have a permanent imprint of a carpet tassle on my......" PCD interrupted her as quickly as possible......well, allowing for the Axminster allergy he had developed....
"Patience, PAC" he soothed "They will come"

"Oh, you think so do you?" said PAC sarcastically "Yes...perhaps Casear has demanded three people wrapped up in carpets......and they are stock-pile-ing us as we speak!!!!!!"

"Getting a bit thread bare, are we PAC?" asked PCD.............

Eminence Grise
posted 12-17-99 17:15 ET (US)     21 / 147       
The galley was plowing the waves of Crete in the Lybian Sea.

Little did the corsair crew realise that they'd be meeting with some long lost friends of some, or more precisely, two of their unwilling rowers.

Caius Menginus
posted 12-17-99 17:43 ET (US)     22 / 147       
Sudenly the crew of the ship began to shout. Crewmen ran by giving orders. The sounds of battle could be heard above. PAC and PCD looked at each other.

"Is this a good thing or bad?" asked PCD

"We'll have to wait and see," replied PAC, "I hope it's good"

They felt the ship being pulled along side another and hand-to-hand combat commensed on the upper deck. Eventually, the battle wore down, but not after several of their dead captors were thrown down in front of them.

Shortly, several burly men came down into the cargo hold and began carrying carpets out onto the other vessel.

Once they were stacked up again, a tall, handsome man greeted them with a sneer, "Well, what do we have here?"

"Please sir..." PCD began but stopped. He gazed at their new captor. "Havn't I seen you somewhere before"

The man did not respond, but ordered his men to unroll them and said with authority "Bring them to my cabin." Then he left.

When they were brought before the pirate, he dimissed his underlings and stood staring at them. "Where do you recognize me from?" he asked sternly.

"You look vaguely like Assistant Imperial Commander, Caius Menginus," said PCD.

"You're right," he responded. "Caesar sent me on a special assignment, but..." he trailed off.

Caesar Alan
posted 12-18-99 11:00 ET (US)     23 / 147       
"... I was betrayed by my second-in-command, Brutus. We were ambushed by bandits just outside Tarsus. I managed to escape, only to discover that Brutus had escaped also, and that it was I had been denounced as a traitor. There is a price on my head to rival that on Hannibal's. I chose to hide myself on the seas, until such a time as I had amassed enough evidence to clear my name and avenge the deaths of my men." A single tear rolled down his cheek.

"And I thought we had it bad, PAC" murmured PCD

"Excuse me! Are you saying being here was good?" retorted PAC, "It was hardly a picnic being wrapped in a carpet for two months!"

"I knew they would come." PCD replied placidly

"Yeah, well not everyone has your confidence, let alone clairvoyancy."

"Hey, calm down you two!" Caius Menginus interrupted, "the important thing is, you're not encased in finest Wilton any more."

"Quite" from PCD
"Bloody know-it-all ... *grumble* ... Oh, all right!" from PAC

"Getting back to this Brutus chap, Caius. How close are you to nailing him?" PCD asked

"It just so happens ( ) that the cargo from this ship is the one of the pieces of evidence I need. His betrayal was rewarded with a series of promotions, and he is now Governor of Judea. He has been lining his pockets by selling vast quantities of these carpets on the black market in Rome. This captain's testimony (and he will testify) may well seal his fate."

"So where are we headed?" asked PAC

"Rome, of course"


[Scene] A dank, poorly lit room somewhere in Judea.

Brutus: "What is thy bidding, my master?"

Unseen figure: "A great force is assembling in Rome. They mean to disrupt my plan. They must not be allowed to reach Judea."

Brutus: "The force you speak of, I know of it. Civis Romanus is a powerful man. He will not be easy to stop."

Unseen figure: "The one known as Civis is the least of your troubles. Another means to join them. He is known as Menginus."

Brutus: "Menginus? Surely he is dead by now?"

Unseen figure: "Do not underestimate him. He is strong, and may be thy undoing. I have foreseen it. You must act now, if he is to be stopped."

Brutus: "He can destroy me?"

Unseen figure: "He has acquired some goods you were to sell, and a man who would sell them"

Brutus: "The cargo? Damn him to hell! Indeed, he is a foe to be reckoned with. But all is not lost."

Unseen figure: "Go, you must act now, and all will be well. Everything is proceeding according to my design"

Caesar Alan
Forum Wordmaster
Forum Pizza Chef

Apologies for any confusion here

[This message has been edited by Caesar Alan (edited 12-20-99).]

posted 12-19-99 19:19 ET (US)     24 / 147       
Meanwhile, at Civis' villa...

Incontinentia popped another piece of sugar cane in Big Tusky's mouth and stroked his trunk. "Who's my big, fluffy, wonderful, grandchild-producing babeee then?" she cooed.

Tusky chewed the cane and grinned. Anything to keep his mistress happy...

"I mean," Incon said, "you couldn't help it if all these tarty lady pachaderms were throwing their trunks at you. You're mummy's good boy. You were deceived by their feminine wiles..."

"Actually, Incon," Bob the Lethargic informed her, "Tusky did most of the 'wooing'...if you catch my drift, heh heh..."

"Eh?" Incon cocked an eyebrow at him. "My Tusky's a good boy!"

"Oh, I'm sure he's a good boy with you...but in the 'elephantine sack', he's a dynamo! He was beating them off with a stick!" Bob grinned at her amiably. MRed diplomatically kicked his ankle to be quiet.

"OOOOWWW!! What'd you do that for???" Bob glared at MRed.

"What's this about Tusky?" Incon asked.

"I only meant that..." Bob started back-pedalling, "your big fella instigated most of the rendez-vous's...if ya know what I mean, heh heh (wink-wink, nudge-nudge)..."

"Big Tusky is a well-raised elephant!" Incon insisted. "He doesn't go looking for a good just came to him in this instance! (And the several hundred instances after!!) He's a good, well-bred boy!!"

"And a love-machine to the *ladies*!" Flavius couldn't help burting out, laughing himself silly. Incon glared daggers at him.

"It's true, Incon," Bob placed a hand on her shoulder. "Much as you think of him as your big, boozhee-woozhee boy, Tusky's sowed his oats. In spades."

Incon looked at Tusky. Tusky looked back at her apologetically. Then he burped.

The Londinium governor turned to her friends. "How much do any of you know about elephant breeding, hm?" she asked.

She was answered with a bunch of blank expressions.

"Tusky's far too young to start breeding," she explained patiently. "He's only ten years old. In the wild, the pachaderm youngling stays in the family unit for a minimum of five years...which means he only reaches emotional maturity at eleven years...which means..."

Everyone groaned loudly as Incon went into one of her RSPCE fund-raising speeches. Some of them started making snoring noises for added effect.

"Oh, come on, I'm serious here!!" she flounced.

"We appreciate that," Civis broke in, "but, your good breeding intentions aside, the reality is there's a large herd of your 'baby's' offspring raising havok in the Eastern Empire, and it's up the the Roman Empire to do something about it. Don't blame Lethargicus, Incon. Or your Big Fella. Let's just try to find a solution to this, okay?"

Incon looked at him logically. Then she cracked, turned to Tusky, and pleaded "Tell me they were all tarts, big fella. Tell me you were led astray. You're too young to breed! You were led into a brief life of wanton abandon, weren't you? Weren't you???"

Tusky looked at the others pleadingly for help.

Just then, a carpet delivery turned up at the front door of Civis' villa...

Titanic Guy 1986
posted 12-19-99 21:01 ET (US)     25 / 147       
I am not quite sure what a carpet delivery is... but hey, as Incon says, I need to jump in!

The carpet was set down, and as it unrolled, it began to wiggle. Suddenly, out popped an old friend.

"Ugh...the service for those thigns ain't what it used to be!" He unrolled the carpet all the way, "Well, what do you think? I zapped in one of my favorite designs!

If I have managed to screw up teh storyline, or something, please alert me...i don't wanna cause any trouble!

The Isle of Celtia

I hate the US. (Oh, just so you know, I AM NOT changing this one! I don't care how many of you are proud of your country! I miss Ireland...)

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