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Caesar IV Heaven » Forums » Story Archives » Roman Civil War: Take Three
Topic Subject:Roman Civil War: Take Three
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Eminence Grise
posted 05-07-99 10:26 ET (US)         
Let's try this a gain with a fresh thread.
The first post here will contain most of the story. I tried to get most of the formatting in there, but if I missed out on anything...I'm sorry

Homage to thee, Osiris, Lord of eternity, King of the Gods, whose names are manifold, whose forms are holy, thou being of hidden form in the temples, whose Ka is holy."
-- Book of the Dead (1240 BC)

Eminence Grise
posted 05-07-99 10:27 ET (US)     1 / 98       
Roman Civil War (restarted the first was lost)
posted 04-18-99 15:58 CT (US)
You set the stage and be a character or make one up. We have had children, lions, a mouse, BT (Big Tusky) an elephant, MRed and on and on. The story will be fine with a restart.

Angel Reckless Rodent
posted 04-18-99 16:33 CT (US)
Ok then, let's get this ball rolling afresh...

Minimum Effortus, acknowledged by his peers as the leading light of the Patrican classes of Rome, was walking through the streets of the more expensive suburbs of the city. He was heading for Caesar's palace, where he was due to have his weekly meeting with the Consuls. As he walked past one of the prefectures, one of the prefects rushed out and accosted him.
"Mr. Effortus, sir. You can't go and see the Consuls today."
"Why not?"
"Well, one of the generals of the Roman Republic has declared the republican system overthrown and is demanding that he be setup as Dictator of the Roman Empire. He's in southern Gaul at the moment, but threatening to march on Rome itself if his demands are not met. General Pompey is currently in crisis talks with the Cicero and the other Senators."
"A rogue general, eh? Well, what are his chances of victory? The Republic has a very strong army in Gaul at the moment. Who was in charge of that one? Oh yes, I remember. Julius Schmeazer or something. He won't let this succeed."
The prefect paled slightly. "Oh, so you haven't heard the whole story then. It is Julius Caesar himself that is rebelling." Effortus paled visibly. "What!? Why on earth would Caesar want to destroy a system that has worked so well for all in the Empire?"
The prefect turned on Effortus and pointed his dagger at the patrician.
"Well, you might have done well out of the system, but there are many thousands who are waiting for a strong hand to take over the running of the Empire."
"Well," answered Effortus. "I'm sure that Pompey and the Senators will come up with a solution. If you'll excuse me, I'd better return to my palace."

Meanwhile, a furious debate was raging in the Senate building...

Sir Dumbicus
posted 04-18-99 21:38 CT (US)
Pompey is vivid with rage!
"I have rid the Mediterranean of pirates and am victorious in Asia. You must ratify my deeds and bestow the lands on my legionaries."
The Optimates, having become selfish, arrogant, and addicted to luxury were quite taken aback by the force of Pompey's anger and demands. They were responsible for many happenings including the extinction of peasant farmers which all led to the development of a city rabble incapable of elevated political sentiments.
"Perhaps an arrangement of sorts might be possible," spoke Cicero.
"If you should happen to take care of this troublesome Caesar/Schmeazer problem for us--erm I mean for Rome--perhaps Rome can fill your desires." In any event, much care must be taken for this Caesar person has many followers in the Popular Party and is supported by Marcus Lincinius Crassus who is a man of immense wealth and influence."

posted 04-18-99 22:03 CT (US)
meanwhile at the luxury palace where Lady Incontinentia, MRed, mouse, Big Tusky, Anhky the kitten, Little Maximus and the Market Lady are hiding out.
M: BT why would you tell the poor child to keep Anhky and me away from you. Offering him a bribe and everything.
BT: you know you tickle when you run up my legs and that drated cat sticks it claws in and that hurts.
LM: Ms MRed could we please have something to eat. It's been days and days since we ate. Mouse promised us we'de be safe.
MRed: you poor tyke. Of course we have something for you to eat. At least if Big Tusky didn't eat it all.
BT: aw now you know I wouldn't do that. Besides you made sure I had enough peanuts. ow ow ow drated cat trying to play with my tail

posted 04-19-99 02:52 CT (US)
A loud crash is heard in the one room apartment.
"Arrghh... Another shattered plate. Why do I seem to go through pottery faster than Mercury?"
Ohmslaw draws the rug aside. Opens a trap door and descends a crude staircase.
"Who goes there!"
"It is me."
"Any word?"
"None my friend."
"The revolution?"
"Still strong my friend."
"I have a bit to spare."

posted 04-19-99 05:37 CT (US)
"Mroouse? What happened? Why werrre those men talking about Caesarrrr? Didn't Hannibal kill him in the prrrrevious episode? Is Jahakemhotep still in Asia Minorrr? Is this still the space-time continium we we'rrre in the last time we werrrre togetherrr? Mrrrouse? I'm confused...."

Angel Reckless Rodent
posted 04-19-99 06:23 CT (US)
Caesar was seated on a wooden throne in his tent outside Massilia.
"Sir, a messenger requests an audience."
"Yes, fine. Show him in."
The messenger entered the tent and bowed to Caesar before unfurling a scroll and reading it aloud:
"Gaius Julius Caesar, this is a message from the Generals and Senators of the Roman Republic. We hereby demand that you desist this charade of being able to conquer the Republic and turn it into a dicatorship. If indeed you so decide to withdraw your absurd claims, then you will be allowed to return to your former position."
Caesar scratched his head and laughed.
"Hehe...they think that they can change my destiny merely by means of a pathetc message. Well, tell the Senators and Generals that they can not save their corrupt hides by buying me off."
The messenger bowed again and left the tent.

"Right," said Caesar. "Time to move camp to Mediolanum, I think."

Meanwhile, back in Rome, preparations were being made to march out to face Caesar in the field...

posted 04-19-99 08:00 CT (US)
Letter from mouse to Jayhawk
oh fearless one just take it and run with it. Please do bring in our friends from Asia Minor. We need them. All the others are hiding out in a luxury palace in Rome. Anhky sends love. But you really must get him to stop licking me. My fur is wet all the time.

posted 04-19-99 08:16 CT (US)
After a big argument it was decided that General Idiotus Slapious would lead the army that was going to face Caeasar's. As his name suggested he was pretty stupid in real life matters but when it came to military he was a genius and it was actualy him that had forced Hanibal out of the kingdom (he had been sitting inside the headquarters giving tips to Caesar like building a well and then clicking on Alt+K and then Alt+v to be victorious)
He was overlooking the preperations and when he saw the state of the army he was frustrated. More than 3 quarters of the army was not academy trained and Caesar had taken the elite with him. Also there weren't enough soldiers.
So he decided to get a big recruitment campaign started. He sent messengers to all parts of Rome even to the village where Asterix and Hopdedix lived. Amazingly the whole village decided to join the army because they had a special reason... (I realy wonder how it will go)

Angel Reckless Rodent
posted 04-19-99 11:06 CT (US)
Governor Fungus Pongius of Mediolanum paled.
"He wants how much!? 24 units of furniture in a week? I haven't got a chance of being able to provide him with that. How far away is Slapious?"
His advisers looked worriedly at each other.
"Well, as far as we know, he's still in Rome. The army needs to be provisioned." Pongius looked panicky.
"Well, what should we do? We can't just turn our backs on the Republic and allow the traitor Caesar into Mediolanum."
"I know," piped up one of the advisors. "Let's leave the city secretly tonight and flee to Rome. Then, we can brief the Senate on the latest situation and save ourselves at the same time."

2 days later, Caesar was sitting in the Senate building of Mediolanum. "
Well, that was easier than I expected. Didn't even put up a fight."

Meanwhile, in Rome, Cicero was receiving Governor Pongius...

posted 04-19-99 23:10 CT (US)
all over the Roman world rodent spies are listening. They will report to mouse. She needs the information to help plan the revolt. Food is coming in from Egypt to hidden docks this will be used for the army that is coming. Elephants are moving in small groups to join their leader Big Tusky. They will not fight but will carry supplies. Egyptian troops are coming in to the same secret docks. They are posing as merchants. With all these player converging on Rome what will happen.

Roman Heaven
Mars: goodie goodie you can put that Caesar 3 game away. The war clouds are gathering over Rome. Blood great bloody fighting. Won't have to save those stupid mortals this time.
Neptune: oh Mars you are boring. Was about to make Caesar why did you stop the game. Finally figured out how to get palaces. Well I'm going to give our mortals smooth sailing and double trade.
Ceres: I'm going to bless them with more food.
Mercury: and I will fill their grainaries.
Venus: and I will make them happy. There will be lots of babies.
Mars: just what they need Venus lots of babies to feed.

posted 04-20-99 04:40 CT (US)
Night in Eternal Rome.
"Ankhy," Bastet whispers to the little kitten, "don't drool so much on mouse. She doesn't like it."
"Ow, Mam, but I like mouse. She's sweet."
"Just do as I say, little one."
"Ok, mam. Mam, what happened to the world?"
"Oh, that, never mind kitten, it's one of those trans temporal causal paradoxes. You know time and space are infinite variations of themselves. You know that we divine beings are present in most of them, just like the humans, but only we remember. You've just shifted to another timeline where Caesar is trying to take over Rome. I've told Jahakemhotep, Anubis is with him, they've managed to subvert the here-and-now Marc Anthony, they're coming to Rome. I told you we must stop Caesar, if the Roman Empire takes over the world so much that is good will disappear. They will crush the world be benath their hob-nailed sandals. They will choose an ascetic, spiteful divinity that doesn't accept anybody else to have followers on earth. Their descendant will cause more strife trying to emulate them throughout history. They will cause so much hurt in the world. We got to stop Caesar where we can."

The kitten shivers, with the visions of genocide and intolarance whirling through it's little head.
"Okay, Mom," he replies in a small voice.

Mean while on the Serbian-Albanian border.
Huge catapults fire containers of Greek Fire into the night. Soldiers wearing blue crested helmets are carrying more supplies as Jahakemhotep, Marc Anthony and their army march into the valley.
"Halt, who goes there?"
"The Eastern Armies on their way to Rome."
"Your not Serbian?"
"No, this is a combined force of Egyptians, Romans and Levantine and Near Eastern auxilleries." "
You've haven't come to help the Serbians, have you?"
"No, we're marching on Rome, to oust Julius Caesar."
"Okay, you may pass."

"Who were these guys?" Marc Anthony asks.
"I don't know, my Lord, their insignia looked Roman. Didn't they spell N.A.T.O?"
"I think so, but I've never seen them or heard of them before, maybe one of Mithras' sects..."

posted 04-20-99 10:42 CT (US)
As the N.A.T.O. relief force marched on a small discussion was going on amongst a group of soldiers which included Asterix. They had their own plans for the empire. They were spreading their influence like plague and they had about half of the force under their control. They wanted to help Ceaser's army in the oncoming battle by attacking Slapius's forces from behind. And in return Ceasar had promised them a quite big portion of Gaul... BUt it was all to remain secret until the time came...

posted 04-21-99 10:17 CT (US)
Roman citizens standing on street corner talking.
RC1:Have you noticed there is an unusal number of rodents about the city.
RC2: yes and they all seem to headed for that luxury palace. The one where you heard strange noises all the time. Could have sworn I heard an elephant trumpting.
RC1: couldn't be nobody would have an elephant in a palace.
RC2: don't know about that but there sure are alot of strange people coming and going.
RC3: most of the look like soliders of some kind.
RC2: no they don't but there are alot of foreigners.
RC1: something strange is afoot. off in the didtance is heard an elephant trumpting

Sir Dumbicus
posted 04-21-99 12:18 CT (US)
Elephant trainer to aides: Can't you keep Elephgiganism quiet? She's going to give everything away with all that trumpeting. Rodent spies everywhere nowadaze! For Caesers sake fan out and clear a wide swath. You know how El is about mice. Has anyone got some peanuts?

posted 04-21-99 19:48 CT (US)
The Flying Hampster on constant sugar-high joins the one reality in which this ancient drama is to unfold.... Flying Hampster: "I must find my fellow rodents - where on Rodent-Earth could they be? I wonder if the King Rodent is in this reality also, I have a Chess game to finish with him....and his Queen? Mabye I can round up some military rats and they can escort me to the royalty"
Flying Hampster swoops down above the Meditarranean Sea and takes notes on the way of things in this new reality...feeling very hungry longing for the moment where he meets the rodent populace and their allies.

posted 04-21-99 20:28 CT (US)
Ohmie slams the cellar door open with a BANG!!! Storms down the stairs.
Ohmie: I've had it up to here with your antics BEN!!!!!!
Benedictus Rodentus: What are you talking about?
Ohmie: I agreed to hide you from the other rodents if you agreed to behave. You know food is scarce and we have to ration. Are you sure your not a rat? Your huge for a mouse and you eat far to much.
Benedictus Rodentus: How DARE you liken me to a rat!!! And besides I was hungry. You stupid human, you should be grateful I tried to save you and your kind. Besides, what are you going to do about it?
Ohmie: One more time you RAT!!!! And I'm getting a CAT!!!!!! With those final words Ohmie stomps back up the stairs and slams the cellar door shut. WHAM!!!!!
Benedictus thinks to himself: Dam that Ceaser. I never would have been in this mess if he would have listened to me instead of unleashing Gigantous Felineus. How was I supposed to know he was afraid of mice.

posted 04-21-99 20:52 CT (US)
Did I miss something or was there a lion before...??? Anyway:

Meanwhile, in a little town called "Thimbuktu", along the silk road, uncountable miles away from Rome, an Afghan merchant was walking down a dirty road, towards the place where his camel was bound...
- Let's go, Shiktir! It's time to leave this town, and our majestic Al'Mor is waiting anxiously for us...!
The camel went halway to its knees, instictively knowing that the departure time has come. When the merchant was halfway on Shiktir's back, the camel slowly rose, and sniffed the dry air, feeling that the road was lonely and waterless... The merchant left the town, and the sun let the first signs of a new day glow on the eastern side of the horizon. The rugged Pamir mountains along the south were hiding the shine, but its splendor eventually went through and gave life to the inhabitants of Thimbuktu...

posted 04-22-99 03:51 CT (US)
Side Bar: Thimbuktu? On the Silk Road? Must be a different town than good old Timbuktu in the Sahara, on the Salt and Gold Road. A flying pick-nick basket looking for rodents? This story is rapidly becoming surreal. Let's find out where the storyline has fled...

Somewhere along the Silk Road a merchant is chasing his errant camel.

On the border between Gaul and Rome troops are gathering, Roman levies, Gaul, Hibernian and Celt mercenaries. A few disgruntled Carthagenian elephant keepers are remeniscing Hannibals assault on Rome.

In a large Roman pallazo, mouse is keeping track of her kin and sorting through the information they bring her. The most disconcerting news is a rumour of rats allying themselves with the pro-Caesar faction. If only she could get hold of Bastet, but the goddess remains silent. The Lady Incontinentia is bored and started reading the Illiad for the umpteenth time. Her friend MRed is getting testy as her time grows nearer and her supply of herbal cigarettes is running out. Small groups of elephants, carefully hiding themselves in voluminous robes are coming to the palazzo's huge gardens. Several squads of Egyptian sword men and archers, their weapons concealed in their togas can be seen patrolling the Egyptian warehouses.

The Army of the East has past the Balkan states. A contingent of Illyrian foot and Parthian horse archers have attached themselves to Marc Anthony's command. As the army flows by, a river of steel and bronze, the commanders are gathered on a hilltop overlooking the Italian soil, near what is to become Triëste. Egyptian trade ships are sailing in to the harbour as dark clouds gather above the distant Po valley. "Gentlemen, we have made it. Onwards to Rome and finish Caesar."

posted 04-22-99 05:55 CT (US)
Oooops...!!! I should have checked my atlas before writing down "Thimbuktu"... lol... Am I allowed to change it for "Kambhaluk" or "Turufan"...??? Because I meant the Silk road more than the name of the city, and the guy is not chasing his camel, he is going west, that is towards Rome... But you made me laugh this time, Jayhawk...!

Sir Dumbicus
posted 04-22-99 07:51 CT (US)
Sir Dumbicus awoke, groggily, with a strange roaring in his ears The twin coliseums, arising out of the mists, givimg him pause. He wondered where he was. By Caeser's Ghost this is that infamous Lion Island. How came I to be here? Even the Gods are not that capricious. Contemplating the continuing decline of affairs throughout the Empire - hunger - treason in high places - open revolts - the overrunning rodent masses - silk roads? - the lack of herbal cigarettes - he was overwhelmed! O
nly one course of action remained. Reaching into his kit he put on the uniform(captured) of a Carthegenian soldier------and stepped out on the road.
The lions had the final word.
ET TU We ate U Dumbicus

posted 04-22-99 09:37 CT (US)
Roman Heaven
Mars: these mortals are really gearing up for war. So many groups to watch this is too much fun. Doesn't that camel driver on the silk road realize that his camel will join those from Egypt.
Neptune: see those drak clouds those are mine. Not your's Mars no matter how much you think you run things here.
Mercury: look guys stop this I want some rest. Been running messages between mortals and all the gods gathering to watch this. Then the darm lions are roaring and elephants trumpting.
Venus and Ceres: stop we just want them to get this over with cause we want some festivals. They don't have time or money for us. They aren't building us any temples. back in the luxury palace

M: BT please stop trumpting your going to bring Caesar's troops down on us.
BT: there's a female out there an new female. Sure miss LL he would have understood. You bunch of females aren't any fun. Lady Incontinentia has been playing that AOE, Mred is sulking and not talking to us. Mouse your all fussy about all the reports.
M: you big oaf of course I am the rats are deserting the rodent cause. They are joining Caesar. Where oh where is clan leader Reckless Rodent the Golden Hamster when we need him. His cloud should have been repaired by now. woe is me woe is me Lions in the streets. Where is our new trooper Sir Dumbicus, he was supossed to be here by now. Anhky Anhky where are you. We need you to talk to the lions. Darn where has that blasted kitten gotten to now. the clouds get darker

posted 04-22-99 16:54 CT (US)
Ok, I think I am going to choose Turfan as the town name. It's a small town between the Talka-makan desert and the place where the Pamir and Karakorum mountains converge... Am I right, or is the atlas made by some "Abelius", too...?!? lol... But right now, the camel is drinking water in a little Oasis, so the story will go on as soon as our heroes continue on their trip to Rome (allthough they don't even know as of yet, that they have to go to Rome)...

[This message has been edited by Jayhawk (edited 05-07-99).]

Eminence Grise
posted 05-07-99 10:38 ET (US)     2 / 98       
posted 04-23-99 04:27 CT (US)
Small Note to Abelius. This is a nice Silk Road site, with a very nice map. I haven't seen Turfan there, but they mention Kashgar. However, I'm not going to argue about Turfan

Back in Roma.
"Gotcha!" Ankhy pounces from a table, right on mouse's tail.
"Aaargh! Anky, stupid kitten. You nearly gave me a heartattack! Where were you? We need to talk to the lions."
Ankhy picks up mouse by the scruff of her neck and ambles of to the Colloseum.
"Put me down! You hairball, put me down!"
A while later the two of them arrive at the lion pens.
"Oh, shut up. You don't impress me."
"Mum sent me, with a message from Sekhmet. BTW, this is mouse."
"Hi mouse"
"Please stop shouting," mouse squeeks,
"You make my ears hurt."
"Okay, Ankhy, speak up."
"Mum and Lady Sekhmet want you to stop eating those that oppose Romes might and Caesar. She'll let you know. And you definitely shouldn't eat any Egyptians. Oh, and ignore the mice, please? Mum made a deal with their god. You can have the rats, though."
The chief lion nods its maned head.
He lowers his head and looks at mouse. It's eyes a big as mouse's head. Then moves its muzzle closer and with a swift lick drenches mouse to the skin.
"I wish you cats stopped doing that..."

Land of the Setting Sun.
The Egyptian gods are gathered round a holy lake, where a couple of crocodiles lazy drift and ibis wades through the papyrus and lotus plants.
"Bastet, that kid of your's is doing nicely. Sekhmet, thanks or your assistance, maybe you could send Horemhebs ba to Jahakemhotep, to give him advice on strategy."
"Your wish, Osiris."
"Anubis, I want you to keep an eye on Jahakemhotep. He needs your protection."
"Aye, Osiris."
The jackal-headed one fades from the garden.

Sir Dumbicus wakes again. Panic rushes through his veins. His hands fly over his sweat drenched body, looking for lion bites. Nothing. "Never again." He mumbles, "Never again will I mix herbal cigarettes and undilluted wine. My poor, poor head..."

posted 04-23-99 12:58 CT (US)
Loud cursing coming from a small shed behind a grove of palm trees, where MRed has been hiding for weeks.......
Whatever could be happening in that shed???

posted 04-23-99 14:54 CT (US)
Cool site, Jayhawk...! So, I'll choose Kashgar...!!!
But the camel is still drinking water like crazy...! lol...

posted 04-24-99 03:26 CT (US)
LOUD pounding and banging now coming from the shed MRed has been hiding in for weeks.....and new strings of the loudest cursing known to man....
BANNNNNNG....CLannnnnnggggg!!!! OW, OW, OW....
Whatever is MRed doing???? (Ask Angel Reck....)

posted 04-26-99 02:24 CT (US)
MRed comes out of the shed and meets with Lucky Sir Dumbicus. They set out for the Road to Rome.
LSD: Come on MRed lean on my arm. Mouse sent something for us to ride into Rome on.
MRed: she didn't sent a blasted camel did she. They make me sick.
LSD: no I don't think so but with mouse you never know. hee haw hee haw mouse sent be to bring both of you to Rome.
MRed: oh no not a donkey they have backbones like a washboard. My delicate condition doesn't like them.
D: well missy you could walk to Rome. If you don't want to ride me that is. Only doing this as a favor to mouse. Who'de want your f** b*** for any other reason.
LSD: now now donkey that is no way to talk to a lady.
MRed: take that you rotten beast.
D: ow ow ow ow I'm telling
MRed: tell it go ahead. Oh come on Lucky lets board these beasts and get going.

posted 04-26-99 06:01 CT (US)
Small note to mouse: LSD? MRed's herbal cigarettes. Careful or well be raided by the DEA.
Dumbicus and MRed tie the donkey down and disappear in the shed. They retun with a small sofa, lash it to the donkeys and climb aboard. With a gentle swaying motion the donkeys amble of to Rome.
"Hmmm, quite comfortable, Dumbicus. Please pass me that bowl of cherries."

Somewhere in Gaul a breathless messenger reaches Caesar.
"Caesar, rumour has it the Senate has turned against you. Strange bulky creatures in voluminous robes walk the streets, the harbour looks like an Egyptian bazar. Mice and rats everywhere."
He collapses at Caesars feet.


Then a large rat crawls out of the messengers pack. Caesar jumps up on his chair.
"Oy, Julius. My master Benedictus Rodentus sends his regards. He wants you to know that all hell has broken loose in Rome. He offers you a pact of allegiance. If you promise him (and his people) free reign of the grannaries, he'll help you get rid of those pesky mice and hamsters. Might throw in a couple of kittens too."

posted 04-27-99 01:47 CT (US)
MRed: Well, Sir Dumbicus, I hope you are happy now. The 40,000 times that I pushed that F5 button for you must have been just enough.....
Sir Dumbicus: Well, MRed, it didn't hurt, that is for sure.... By the way, what was that huge tarp covering in the corner of the shed????
MRed: That is a special present for Angel Reck, and the sooner he comes to get it, the happier I will be....It is sure taking up a lot of space.....He will be soooooo happy.....Hey, want one of my special blend Herbals??? I am packaging them to sell them at the bazaar in Rome.....

Sir Dumbicus
posted 04-27-99 08:16 CT (US)
Dumbicus: "Couldn't have done it without you. My little "Pinky" was almost falling off before you started pushing."
MRed: "I suppose you are welcome but you must let me preview(take control over, in her own mind) Pharaoh when it arrives."
Dumbicus: "We'll see." (Not in your wildest dreams. It's all mine!) "Pass me another Herbal."
"You know if we are going on to bazaar in Rome we are really in need of a larger (A**) donkey.
MRed: " Is that a comment on my figure?"
Dumbicus: "Have you checked out MY profile lately? We needed an Elephant!"
Sir Dumbicus begins to lift the edge of the tarp in the corner....
"Wonder what is........

posted 04-27-99 09:20 CT (US)
A waterhole outside Kushgar
The silktrader walks toward his two-humped mount again, flicks over the hump-cover and looks at the tiny dial. "Hmmpf, still only half full. I'm going to miss the opening ceremonies, if this thing doesn't fill up quickly"

Somewhere near Marathon
The Persian runner passes the torch over to the naked Spartan and spits at his retreating back. "We'll get you guys for Thermolpylae, yet. Wait till the games start."

Somewhere on the Atlantic.
"How much longer to Romae? " the Indian brave asks.
"Shut up and keep rowing, we're going to make sure we're ready for them in the rematch of 1492."

Meanwhile in the abode of the Egyptian gods.
"Baftet, what are all thofe humanf doing?"
"They're going to Romae for the Games."
"What gamef, can I play too?"
"I don't think they allow for crocodiles, not even divine ones, but you can always tune in to Caesar's News Network. They're bound to cover it."
"What'f dogdfafe doing?"
"Anubis is with Jahakemhotep. They are moving on to Romae. It looks like they've reached the banks of the Po river. There's several legions on the other side waiting for them."
"Oh." Sobek turns away and slide into the Sacred Lake.

mouse's Roman pallazo.
"Woe is me, woe is me..."
"What's the matter, mouse?" Ankhy asks.
"I just had a message from the Reckless Hamster, he told me the rat-king of Rome is offering allegience to Julius Caesar, if he can get free run of the graneries. Caesar was so terrified that he said yes. He also told me the rats are offering you into the bargain as well! And worse, his cloud broke down again! So now he's stuck in Gaul and has to walk all the way to Romae. If only we could get him another cloud."
"I don't know about the cloud, but I can ask Mom and Sekhmet to help us with the rats."
"O, mouse!" the kitten turn back to mouse, "have you seen the Egyptian team? Don't they look good in white?"

posted 04-27-99 09:34 CT (US)
The Flying Hampster gets his wings taken away by some greater power and begins to fall to ground, when all of a sudden he is picked up by a hawk and brought to a nest high up in a mountain - strangely overlooking an apparently barren place in Italy.
FH: "What the devil is this? I demand to be brought to the royalty!! If my...gets word of this...then many will...." The Flying Hampster disappears from the scene because the support staff for his time travelling all went on a very, very, very long vacation for time is not a factor.

Angel Reckless Rodent
posted 04-27-99 13:05 CT (US)
RR was puzzled. Wow, he thought, I've only been away from this story for a couple of days and it's all gone rather wierd...
Still, maybe I'll be able to tie up some loose ends. With that, he jumped onto his cloud and turned the key in the ignition. Nothing. He tried the key again. Still nothing. So, he climbed off and gave the cloud an almighty kick. Black smoke poured out of the exhaust pipe and the cloud stirred into life.

Caesar, encamped outside Rome, heard an almighty explosion. He started, and nearly fell off his wooden throne. When he had recovered, he looked into the sky. He shook his head. "I must be seeing things. You know what, I could have sword that was a small fluffy cloud zooming across the sky with black smoke pouring out from behind it, and with a small golden hamster in a toga hanging on behind it." His advisors looked at each other and shook their heads. First sign of madness, they whispered to each other.

Reck managed to drag himself into the driving seat of his cloud and got the projectile under control. He turned around and headed for the Senate building.

posted 04-27-99 13:27 CT (US)
MRed: Look, Sir Dumb, LOOK!!!! She kicks the donkey to make it go faster...OH, Sir Dumbicus...we have to catch him before he falls to the earth and goes SPLAT!!!!!
The donkey, seeing the huge carrot dangling in front of his nose, begins to run faster.....
MRed: AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH...As she stretches to her left, leaning dangerously close to falling off of the donkey..........She sticks her fishing net out, having fortituously brought it along...(MRed brings almost everything she owns with her no matter where she goes) and CATCHES Angel Reck just before he hits the ground.... Angel RECK!!! How wonderful to see you at last......What happened?
RR: Well, MRed, that old, faithful cloud of mine has belched its last puff of smoke, and exploded in midair!!! How fortunate I am that you were there to catch me....I would have been a pancake for sure....
MRed: Well, Reck, I have been trying to find you for the longest time...I have a very special present for you in my shed, and would like it very much if you would accept it...and get it out of my shed.....Here, take this map (NOT a map from Maps R Us) that I drew myself, and go and get your present....
RR: What!!?? I haven't the time to be galivanting all over the countryside for a present!!!!! I have to get to Rome...
MRed: Reck, trust me, you will get to Rome in half the time.....Here is a small token of my appreciation now, and when you follow the map, you will bless me to the skies....
Reck takes the tiny box that MRed hands him, and upon opening it, gazes in awe at the contents......
Sir D: RR, what is it?
RR: (with tiny golden tears running down his furry face) is a beautiful golden key, made in the shape of a tiny Rodent with wings........OH, MRed....gimme that map.....

Angel RR jumps onto the other donkey that the group has trailing along behind them...and with a final shout of
"Thank you from the bottom of my heart, MRed!!!!!" goes galloping off into the distance, the map flapping along behind him.....

Bob the Lethargic
posted 04-27-99 19:19 CT (US)
"Flavius, what has all this to do with a civil war?" "Nothing that I can figure out Lethargic. They've apparently lost their minds." "And after we warned them about those damned herbal cigarettes."

posted 04-28-99 07:55 CT (US)
"Jahakemhotep, " Marc Anthony ask, "how are we going to cross this river?"
"If it were the Nile, 'twould be easy, we'd call on Sobek for some crocodiles."
"We could chop down that forest and build rafts. Once we have a bridge head, a bridge can follow."
"Sound plan, my Lord."
A bunch of soldiers peels of the main column and starts chopping down a nearby wood. In the mean time onagers and balistas are erected on both sides of the river. 6' javelins are hurled across the Po's wide expanse.

While they are preparing, a naked greek runs past carrying a lit torch. At great speed he skips over the river and continues towards Romae.
"What was that?"
"I'm told the have Caeasarial games in Rome and that they start tomorrow."
"Do you think we can join in the fun? I mean, once we defeat these legions."
"I don't think so, but I'm told Cleopatra's forces are already in Romae, masking as the Egyptian team."
"Then what are we supposed to do?"
"We'll be there to meet Caesar, once he crosses back in to Italy from Gaul."

posted 04-28-99 23:47 CT (US)
mean while in the luxury palace all the adventurers gather there belongings. It time for them to move out to join the troops in the field. For as soon as the great games are over the battle will be joined. Mouse and Anhky scrable up Big Tusky's leg to their favorite perch.
BT: blasted kitten and mouse one tickles the other hurts. If you want up why don't you just ask.
A: but BT it's such a wonder climb.
M: BT don't be such a grouch. Your just mad cause LL has deserted you. You wanted to wrestle in the big games. But you silly elephant games aren't for animals they are for humans.
BT: if LL was here he wouldn't let you talk to me that way. (grump grump)

The group moves quietly out the gates. The elephant moves slowly down the crowd road. He's moving against the crowd. There are many grumbles in the crowd about great bloody brute. They must get to the troops gathered on the other river bank. They have news and they must meet with the other travelers.

posted 04-29-99 04:08 CT (US)
As the Eastern Army is preparing their pontoon bridge a small group of Romans walk towards the shore. The group consists of a few Eagles, officers and hornblowers. The horns blare and the Roman general yells across the river:
Jahakemhotep, Marc Anthony and Brutus walk towards the river.
"Err, well, we would like a truce until the games are finished. The boys here are getting a bit restless. I heard there's a couple of foreign teams playing as well. Would you mind terribly?"
"Sure, " Anthony replies, aside to Jahakemhotep, "that would give us more time to prepare the bridge."
"I think I can help here, " the Egyptian replies.
"Romans, just be here at sunset," he calls across the river.

Meanwhile in Rome.
A group of birch bark canoes carrying Indian braves lands at the docks.
"Okay, braves, ready? Here come the United Tribes of America."
Next to them a balsa raft is unloading a group of Meso Americans, a coracle is unloading a pair of painted celtic warriors. Romae is a bustle with gayly dressed foreigners from all over the Known World and Beyond. The Games are only hours away.

That evening by the river Po.
The armies are gathered at the shore. Jahakemhotep is walking around a newly dug pool and placing braziers with herbs and incense. As the sun sets, Jahakemhotep starts a soft chant. The surface of the pool begins to glow and mist curls up from the water. It thickens, brightens and the a picture forms...the Colloseum of Rome.
He turns to Marc Anthony,
"That should keep them busy, just keep the fires burning."
"Impressive, sound?"

Angel Reckless Rodent
posted 05-01-99 18:31 CT (US)
Reck nibbled lightly on his donkey's ear in an attempt to hurry it up a bit.
"Oi, get off!" said the donkey, somewhat peeved.
"Oh, sorry..." mumbled RR.
"Just trying to get you to hurry up, that's all."
"Oh, if that's what you want, then try this out," answered the donkey. It jumped up and down in the air a few times, throwing RR up into the air. When he landed, Reck found himself sitting on the seat of a chrome-plated Vespa moped with a big smile.
"Wow, that was clever," said a rather surprised RR.
"How did you do that?"
"It's all those herbal fags from MRed," chuckled the donkey.
"Enough of them and you can turn into anything you like."
" can you take me to wherever this treasure chest is?"
"Righty-ho! Off we go!" RR nearly fell off the seat as the donkey...erm...Vespa accelerated away.
"Cor, blimey...are you turbocharged or something?" asked Reck, but his question was lost in the all-consuming whirring of the moped's engine.


posted 05-03-99 04:02 CT (US)
All was quiet the Northern front...well, quiet.
There were no sounds of war, no clashing metal, the twanging noises of the siege engines, the screaming of horses, none of these. However, you could here men shouting as the two armies were seated around the large coloseum image at the river side. The games were in full progress and war seemed to have been postponed.

In Romae mouse and Ankhy had found a place where they could peek at the goings on.

Above Romae, clouds had gathered and seated the crowds of gods, North American manitous sat side by side with the Egyptian gods. The Norse gods were shouting and drinking beer and Thor and Mars had begun a wrestling match. A crowd of angels and cherubs are sipping wine and cheering.

The whole world, with the exception of a hamster on a moped, and MRed and Dumbicus seems to be focused on...the GAMES

posted 05-03-99 12:13 CT (US)
As mouse and Ankhy watched the games excitment was high.
M: Go Aussies Go. Oh Ankhy I do want them to take the gold.
A: mouse tasty mouse how could you! Go Egyptians Go. That's the tem you should be cheering.
M: but Ankhy we're not supposed to let anybody know our connection with the Egyptians. Big Tusky trumpting loudly
BT: will the two of you shut up. The constant arguing is driving me mad mad mad
M: uh oh Make way for the elephant Make way mad elephant the crowd scatters in fear
M: ok BT move up closer so we can see better.
BT: are you just stupid or what mouse now the prefects are moving in on us. Oh Glorius prefects the mouse was ummmm a little excited. I'm not mad honest. Yes sir oh glorius prefect I do understand. No I won't let the mouse yell anymore.
BT: slaps mouse with trunk Now see what you did you silly mouse calling all that attention to us
M: w owww that hurt
BT: I was just having fun. Now Ankhy stop that licking I'll shut up.
A: nice mouserrr soft mouserrrr

Eminence Grise
posted 05-07-99 10:40 ET (US)     3 / 98       
posted 05-04-99 12:50 CT (US)
YO!!! Mouse..... Move over a bit, won't you??? I can't seeeeeeeeeeeee........

posted 05-04-99 01:56 CT (US)
Voice in the crowd: "Hey MRed, you're on! They just called out your name in the arena, you better get your gear on and haul buns down there NOW!"

posted 05-04-99 09:28 CT (US)
M: MRed you'de better go. Hurry Oh Ankhy that was Marty Party the captain of the Aussie team. Do you think I could get his autograph?
A: go nice mouserrr if it will keep you quiet. We have to find another place to sit LL is taking BT to wrestle or something.
BT: yes my buddy whats to wrestle like we did before. LL hasn't left me to put up with you silly little critters. Here I'll lift you to the top of that pole. Wait there for me.
M: h no don't BT I'm afraid of heights. No don't leave me here I want Marty's autograph. Anhky don't let him leave us here.
A:too late we're stuck now. To far for me to jump and I can't back down this pole.
there we leave mouse and Anhky the kitten. How will they get down will Big Tusky come back for them

posted 05-04-99 10:04 CT (US)
Meanwhile, Marty, victorious after fighting off a pack of wolves and suffering only a few grazes, signs autographs and poses for the artists of the Roman press (they didn't have cameras back then ya know). One particularly slow artiste for the Roman Gazette is trying Marty's patience.
MP: (muttering) hurry up man, it's hard holding this smile for so long.

A short while later in the player's tunnel, MP brushes by MRed.
MP: Hey MRed, that one's for you. Good luck with your bout, though you'd better hurry! MRed too distracted by the prospect of being disqualified, runs by and ignores Marty completely.

On the other side of the tunnel, Marty spots mouse struggling to get through the security prefects.
M: Let me through you big savage, I'm the Aussie team mascot!
Boofy prefect: Show us your pass or leave.
M: (dejected) oh drats, must've lost it while getting off that damned pole. Oh woe is me. Sob. This is all Tusky's fault.
MP spots mouse: Yo mousey! How ya going? Hey you security sirs, please let her through she's with me. Here mousey, I brought you some of that Londinium cheese which you love so much! (fishes in pack and brings out a delicately wrapped package) BT's snout appears out of nowhere, narrowly missing a grab at the package.
MP: Hey, get off, get get get! This one's for mousey.

Meanwhile, a deafeningly loud roar coming from the crowd through the player's tunnel signals the start of MRed's bout...

posted 05-04-99 11:10 CT (US)
Now how did mouse get of that pole, you might be wondering..?
Well, let's go back to the previous evening, somewhere along the river Po.
"Lord Marc Anthony, if you keep these fires burning as long as the Games take, these other Romans should be spellbound. Too bad the spell doesn't allow us to pass by them unnoticed. However, I need to get into touch with our Egyptian friends in Rome."
"How will you get there? Do you plan to sneak through their lines?"
"Not quite, follow me..."
They walk to a nearby stand of wood and climb the bluff overlooking the hill. Jahakemhotep faces the sun and raises his arms.
"Father Ra! Brother Horus! Lend your me wings and speed me to Rome!"
Before Marc Anthony's eyes the young Egyptian changes into a blue winged hawk and flies off to the south.

Later the next day.
Mouse and Ankhy are stuck on a flag pole. As if out of the sun a hawk swoops down on the two friends.
"Aaargh, " screams mouse, "Ankhy, a hawk!"
"Silly mouse, that's no ordinairy hawk, that's Jahakemhotep. Mum said he'd be dropping in soon."
Ankhy picks up mouse by the scruff of her neck and lets the hawk pick him up. "
Hawwo, Jawawawowep, " the kitten mumbles.
Then as the hawk sets them down in a shady portal, he drops mouse and pushes his face towards the hawk who shivers and turns back into a young man.
"You scared me half to death!" mouse squeaks.
"Hi mouse, nice to see you too." He picks up her and the kitten and walks down towards the arena.
"I take it you're of to see Marty?" After Marty Party has give mouse his present he looks up and sees the young Egyptian, the black kitten on his bare shoulder.
"Jahakemhotep, I presume? Pleased to make your acquaintance."
"Pleased to meet you, Lord Marty. How is your island? And how is Rome?"

posted 05-04-99 14:59 CT (US)
M: oh Thank you Lord Marty for my favorite cheese. Thanks for the ride down from that pole I was so scared. Sorry I didn't recognize you My Lord. Ankhy don't know what to say to you. Should get mad at you for grabbing me like that but so glad to be off that poll will say thanks instead.
A: nothing to it nicerrr mouserrr. Mum said to take care of you. But why is Big Tusky trying to swipe your cheese. M: he thinks you and I abused him. Know he's filling LL with all sorts of tall tales. Lord Marty did you bring any of your other friends with you.

The adventure continues

Bob the Lethargic
posted 05-04-99 16:39 CT (US)
At that moment the in stadium, an announcement is being made. "Patricians, Matrons, Citizens and Honored Guests, your attention please. The Olympic Committee is happy to announce that it has arranged, with the help of BTL Enterprises, Thursday afternoon's scheduled live entertainment. Here at the stadium, starting at 1 p.m. Roman Standard Time, the Olympics are proud to present the World Wrestling Federation's battle extravaganza
Elephant Death Match #1
with the main featured event being the world famous
The Masked Legionnaire vs. the unbeaten Rogue Carthaginian War Elephant
It's an event you don't want to miss. Tickets for Thursday's event are still available at the local box office for only 8 denarii each. All complimentary ticket holders are advised to be at the stadium before noon."

Meanwhile in the wings two somewhat familiar figures seem to be arguing. "You know you're not a rogue elephant. And I know you're not a rogue elephant. But I promise you BT it's going to sell a lot of tickets if they think you are! Here, have a cinnamon bun and cool down. Now let's practice that flip again."

posted 05-04-99 19:03 CT (US)
Cheerleader camp never prepared Gustavia for teaching an Elephant flips and tricks. OK, Big Tusky, move your back leg.. no the other back leg.. over er, in front of your right, not that one, the other one in front, now you got it ... lean back a little and hold out your arms.. er.. front ..the ones holding the pom poms... ok OK jump! UP UP! and smile, Big Tusky! Smile!
'hmrmrhp.... excuse me.. I am Selius Todos, chief assistant to Mr. Bob the Lethargic of BTL Enterprises and he sent me over here to stop the torture of this poor Elephant. He has a big job to do and he needs to learn real wrestling holds and FLIPS, not this silly cheerleading stuff.... move along now!"
Oh, Gustavia wails, and he was just getting the hang of it!

Bob the Lethargic
posted 05-04-99 19:41 CT (US)
Big Tusky is deep in thought. Is it worth all this practicing? The stadium holds 200,000 people. It's 8 denarii per ticket. And Lethargic is getting half the gate. My cut is 40% of that. And you can get 200 peanuts per denarii. Let's see, that's 200,000 x 8 x.5 x.4 x 200 = 64 million peanuts? Good grief, Lethargic's right. We're gonna be rich!! Okay then, left foot back, right foot over, arms out, and then... wait a minute. What the heck are pom-poms?

Meanwhile elsewhere

posted 05-04-99 22:37 CT (US)
Mouse and Anhky race for the front of the stadium.
M: come on Anhky we have front row seats LL sent us tickets for lending him Big Tusky. Like we had any control over the big oaf.

as they sit on the top of the wall looking down into the stadium.
A: mouserrrr now you shouldn't talk about Big Tusky that way. It's not nice. (whisper besides he's listening)
M: oops just teasing you know I just love Big Tusky (whisper even though he left me on that darn post)
A: LL is a good influence on BT. Look how he's going to get him to play for all these people.
M: good influence ha they used to get drunk together and LL had to be broken out of Caesar's jail. Sure hope Caesar doesn't recognize him. Oh look there is Lord Marty in the box seats and who is that with him?

posted 05-04-99 23:56 CT (US)
A: Can't… quite… work it out mouserrrrr. We'll probably find out soon. Be patient.

Elephant Death Match concludes shortly after, with Legionaire Bob taking the upper hand as the time limit is reached. Crowd: More! More! More! We want more!
Announcer: Sirs and Madams, it looks like time has expired and our fearless legionnaire has taken the upper hand…. Angry crowd hurls half-eaten fruit and half-full drink containers at the announcer. When the hurling slows down, a small boy runs out to announcer and whispers something in his ear.

Announcer: Dear sirs and madams, I've just been informed that a rematch between the fearless legionaire and the still undefeated Carthaginian war elephant will take place, same time tomorrow in a hardcore match, no time limit, no holds barred, no DQ, there WILL be a winner!
Crowd roars in approval.

Shortly after, Mouse, Anhky and Jahakemhotep make their way back to the players' area and are allowed in this time by the security prefects. They catch up with Marty.
J: That was a mighty fine show there wasn't it lord Marty?
M: (breathlessly) And sir who was that with you in the box seats?
MP: Jahakemhotep, sorry about having to run off before, you know how it is with all these events packed so closely together. Mouse, you'll never guess! I picked up your young playfriend from Lugdunum en route! He's old enough to travel now. Look, here he comes with my teammates… Teck, Elizrs, Net Surfer and Sue stride in, bringing with them Dillypoo the mole. High fives and backslaps all around as they join up with Marty, each congratulating the other on earlier victories. Medals won earlier are compared and jokes are shared all around.

DP: Lukkit ere it's miz mouser! Et be wunnerful to meet ee! (Mouse and Dillypoo hug and shake paws. A tear of joy trickles down Mouse's furry cheek)
M: Oh Dilly look how you've grown. Must have indulged a bit on those puddings and pies eh?!
DP: Hurr hurr b'aint nothin' loik Marm's strawbree pudden and noice damson poi, but talk of vittles do make oi gurtly 'ungered.
M: He he he but you be looking mighty fine for a young mole. What brings you to this place?
DP: Oim herd 'bout ee Oimpic frum gudd zurr Marthen and oi be beggen eem to ave oi along.
MP: (nods) Yes mouse I told him you'd be here with your new friends and he just insisted on coming along to renew acquaintances and meet your new friends. Would you like to have Dilly hang with you for a while? Me and the team here must attend a briefing with the organising committee on tomorrow's events. We have reservations at the best bathhouse in town "The Gladiator's Respite". Tell them you're with me and we'll meet you there shortly.
M: Oh goody. Well then Dilly come along we are going to the bathhouse!
MP: Sorry about having to run again Jahakemhotep, but let's catch up over some cold ale at the bathhouse. By the way that's a mighty fierce looking cat you have there…
A: Anhky!
MP: Okay Anhky. Do take care and we'll meet you in a while. Would you like some tickets to see the Elephant Death Match #2, cause we can get extra seats in the VIP section if you'd like to join us…
J: Would we! Yes do please count us in and if you could get a few more as we're expecting more friends to arrive during the night.
MP: Okay then see you soon!

posted 05-05-99 12:49 CT (US)
Scene: Middle of the Arena....
Dust Devils are swirling around MRed's feet.....

MRed: (Thinking to herself) Now, what in the heck am I doing standing here in the middle of the Arena? I haven't a clue as to what I am supposed to be doing....Ah...just one of my herbals left.....I can smell the sweet scent of it wafting up from my pocket...Now, what was I supposed to be doing?????


posted 05-05-99 12:52 CT (US)

posted 05-05-99 12:10 CT (US)
Dillypoo, mouse and Ankhy are watching the games.
DP:Ho urr, lookit thoim big wolfers lookit out miz murred...
M: It's pronounced Em-Red,Dilly
DP: Ho ho oi think miz hmm-red be in some trubbers. Oh lookit out! *paw over eyes but peeks* Ho thank ee gods she be alroight. Oh miz mouser and Aunkers, wot can we do ter help poor miz hmm-red?
A: don't think we can help. You know how those game people are about that.
M: maybe if we dance around up here the wolves will watch us and MRed can kill them. Just be careful Dillypoo don't fall off your mum would never forgive me. Lord Marty would have my hide for slippers.

Ankhy, Dillypoo and mouse jump up and down the wolves are jumping up on the wall trying to reach them. grrrr grrr owwwwo look guys a kitten, mole and mouse they will make a nice snack.
Pack Leader I think we're supposed to eating that human who keeps trying to kill us off in the name of some game or other.

Bob the Lethargic
posted 05-05-99 13:12 CT (US)
At the busy front gate of the stadium
Usher: "Elephant Death Match #2 Tickets please. Have your tickets ready everyone."
Head of the Alexandria Department of Public Works: "Here. Finally get to use these. 25 in section XXXV."
Usher: "Go right ahead sir, then two aisles to the left. Next!"
Mama Braci: "2 in section XXII"
Usher: "Madam, what's that in your bag? No alcohol allowed in the stadium."
Mama Braci: "Alcohol? Dear me no. It's just some homemade oxtail soup and lark's tongues for me and my son Hannib, I mean Hamilcar. Right son?"
(Hannibal)Hamilcar: "Right Mama."
Usher: "Okay, go straight ahead then one aisle to the left. Next!"
Flavius: "5,000 in sections II-IV."
Usher: "Wait a minute, you men can't wear those speedos in here!"
Governor of Lindum: "We're the Egyptian swim team. We didn't have time to change after our event."
Usher: "WelI, I guess it's okay then. Go ahead. To the right and down three sections. Next!"
Ahab: "Back Stage Pass, oh busy one. Friend of the elephant."
Usher: "To the left sir. Just follow the droppings on the floor. Next"
And the stadium continues to fill up.


posted 05-05-99 13:55 CT (US)
Scene: Middle of the Arena...MRed standing in the swirling dust....
MRed: OH! WOE is me......! (She stands there, thinking hard....)
WAIT!! I know what to do now.....(She reaches into her pocket)...
I will light up my last herbal, and blow the smoke into their noses....(She does so), and all of the wolves fall to their knees.........
MRed: NOW... beasties....(In a blinding swirl of red robes...MRed dispatches the wolves with grace and finesse.....)


MRed takes her bows, and strides gracefully out of the Arena........

Bob the Lethargic
posted 05-05-99 14:38 CT (US)
Rumors are now flying among the waiting audience as the contestants enter the arena.
Soldier: "That elephant is one big brute. Reminds me of my campaign days in Sicilia."
Bathhouse girl: "I hear that the Masked Legionnaire is really Hannibal in disguise!"
Market Lady: "I wish this would start. I have to find 64 million peanuts later."
Arab Trader: "I saw the Legionnaire once in Egypt. My money is on him this time."
Tarraco Zookeeper: "I heard that the elephant went mad after crossing the Alps with Hannibal!"
Alexandria DPW Engineer: "I wonder who's going to clean this stadium up afterwards?"
School kid: "Look, they're ready to start."
Stadium Announcer: "Ladies and Gentlemen, in this corner wearing the purple and gold trunks, the world famous Masked Legionnaire. And in this corner wearing, well nothing really, the still undefeated Rogue Carthaginian War Elephant. Contestants, "LET'S GET READY TO RUMMMBBBLEEEE!"

Meanwhile back in the dressing rooms, Legionnaire Lethargic seems to be a little tied up.
Flavius: "Lethargic, what are you doing tied up on the floor in your birthday suit? Girlfriend problems?"
Lethargic: "Mmblkshoiw mblmsh blmbl!!"
Flavius: "Here let me get that gag off you."
Lethargic: "Boy am I glad to see you Flavius. Throw me my toga. Someone just mugged me."
Flavius: "Well if you're here, then who just walked into the arena in your costume?"
Lethargic: "I don't know? Sniff, sniff. Say do you smell oxtail soup in here?"

Meanwhile back in the stadium Big Tusky suddenly recognizes an old, old acquaintance.

posted 05-06-99 07:39 CT (US)
Tusky raises his trunk and deafens the crowd with his trumpeting, not even all the angels in Heaven could make that amount of noise on their trumpets. He starts pawing the ground and flapping with his ears.
"Why is BT getting so excited?, " mouse wonders.
"I don't know," Ankhy says, "but there's something wrong."
He looks up at Jahakemhotep. "Something is wrong, kitten, that man is not Lethargic, but I have seen him before. Now when and where was that."

Tusky charges at the cloaked ad masked figure, who starts running.
"No Tusky. Down, Tusky, heeeeeeelllllpppp."
The crowd looks on in confusion as the elephant chases the masked one around the arena. Then two figures, one wrapped in only a toga appear at the entrance.
"Look!," Ankhy points to mouse and Dilypoo. "It's Lethargic and Flavius.
Jahakemhotep strokes his chin, "Could it be, who I think it is, could it actually be...

posted 05-06-99 11:16 CT (US)
Mouse, Ankhy and Dillypoo the mole are watching from the railing overlooking the stadium.
M: Ankhy that doesn't look like LL to me. In fact it looks like Hannibal.
A: it is Hannibal and Big Tusky knows it too. Oh this will be a grudge match. Big Tusky sat on Hannibal the last time they met up.
M: wonder why Hannibal came back. said the upcoming battle wasn't his. This looks like trouble. Lets see if we can get BT to look this way.
BT: wonder what that drated mouse wants now. Just when I can finish Hannibal off for good. LL isn't here to save him and everybody will think it's part of the match. Guess I'de better see what she wants. Ok mouse I'm here what is it now. M: don't hurt Hannibal until we find out why he's here. Oh by the way here's a friend I'de like you to meet. Dillypoo mole baby D:Ho no Big Tuskers be biggest thing Oi e'er seen! Wot be marm think of oi if oi tells er bout thiz yurr big beast. She be spanking oi for telling fibbers! Oh Aunkers Oi do be scared. Ee don't eat moles does ee? Ho hurr lookit thoim big flappers...
Big Tusky trumpets loudly
A: Careful Dilly, Tusky doesn't like being teased about his ears.
D: Oh help oi miz mouser there be big 'adder an et be comin' at oi! *shivers*
M: No that's just Tusky's trunk, it's not an 'adder. Tusky dear please put Dilly on your neck so he can see the view.
D:Ho no thiz er be too much for oi. Pleeze put oi down! Pleeze miz mouser.
M: Argh you big baby, okay Tusky please do put Dilly back down on the ground with us.
BT mutters: Big Tusky do this, Big Tusky do that, and not even a bag of peanuts in sight, what thanks do I get. Lady Incontinentia wouldn't treat me like this. *gripe gripe gripe* Just as well they want that mole off my neck, a minute longer with those mole claws and I'd have started tearing up the joint.
Now can I get back to Hannibal before this crowd gets any rougher.

posted 05-06-99 14:33 CT (US)
MRed ??? ...You dancing with wolves again?? and you know what happens if they get too close you just become a tasty.... SNACK Cherub ET FLAVIUS

Bob the Lethargic
posted 05-06-99 15:33 CT (US)
The crowd cheers as Elephant Death Match #2 continues amid clouds of dust.
BT: "OUCH!! Let go of my pom-poms you Carthaginian assassin!" Hannibal: "Just as soon as you get off my foot you overgrown cry-baby!"
BT: "I'll show you who's a cry-baby you big jerk!!"
Big Tusky wraps his trunk around Hannibal's neck and does a back flip, landing in front of Lethargic who has finally put on his speedos while watching the struggle.
Lethargic: "What in the name of all the gods are you doing Hannibal? You said you were retiring to Carthage and staying out of Roman affairs. Are you trying to ruin this for us?"
Hannibal: "It's my big chance for a gladiator comeback. Stay out of this you Roman fool!"
Lethargic: "Fool? Fool? Are you talking to me punk? That's it, I've had it with you. Tusky, it's tag team time. Let me at him!"
BT rips off Hannibal's mask, stomps on his foot, tags Lethargic with his trunk, and flips to the sideline. Lethargic jumps in the arena while the crowd cries out in amazement..

Bob the Lethargic
posted 05-06-99 16:06 CT (US)
The crowd starts leaving the stadium, muttering disappointment about the ending of the match while inside.
Lethargic: "Ouch, ouch, ouch! Let go of my ear Mama Braci, that hurts."
Hannibal: "Yeah Mama, your tearing mine off too!"
Mama: "Quiet you two. I won't have you disgracing me in front of a bunch of strangers by behaving like 12 year olds. Shame on you! And you too Tusky! I have a mind to grab your ear as well."
Big Tusky lowers his head and quickly slinks away while Mama Braci leads the boys out of the stadium.


posted 05-06-99 18:32 CT (US)
ET...I showed them wolves what happens when they mess with the Big Red......
to be continued...

[This message has been edited by Jayhawk (edited 05-07-99).]

Eminence Grise
posted 05-07-99 10:49 ET (US)     4 / 98       
OOPS, I missed a bit. It actually eat my last post...
So here it is...

05-06-99 23:51 CT (US)

Everybody has decided to meet up at the baths.
Mouse, Ankhy and Dillypoo are among the first to arrive.
M: Lord Marty said he would meet us here. Everybody else should be here soon. That is if Mamma will let Hannibal and LL loose to join us.
The bath is beautiful with marble walls and floor. Painting are very where the air smells of fine perfumes and oils. Giggling bath girls are everywhere.
Roman citizens stroll around talking and moving into the various baths. Steam is in the air.
D:Cor blimey thoim bathers be pritty eh miz mouser? Wot be happening o'er
there? Oh no that girly bain't hardly got noffin on! And...
Mouse (puts paw over Dilly's eyes): Geez I wish Marty would've thought a bit
more about exposing young Dilly to the Roman way of life. Okay Dilly you've
seen enough. We're going to our own bath room. Yo attendent, please bring
some olives, cheese and wine please, and some apple cordial for this young
A: why do we have to come to this wet place. You know I hate being wet. Will have to lick my fur the whole time we're here to keep it dry.
M: oh there's Lord Marty come to join us.
Dillypoo don't look (covering the mole baby's eyes again). Really Lord Marty tickling the bath girl in front of poor Dillypoo. What will his mum think.
LM: oops forgot sorry mouse but (giggle) we were playing tickle and giggle. Honey could you bring us some more towels. Our game will have to wait.
M: here comes the rest of the gang. Oh boy Hannibal and LL had to bring her along. Ankhy let's make ourselves small.

So now we can (hopefully) get back to the story...
Now where was it?

Later that evening Jahakemhotep meets up with MartyParty and the rest of the Downunder team in a bath house. After being thoroughly scrubbed and cleaned the retire to the lounge where they are being fed grapes and pommegranates and sip wine, while nubile slaves wave huge fans up and down.
"This is life," Marty sighs.
"True, very true. When are we going to see the first medals?"
"Coming Sunday. It's going to a Paaarty!"
"Let's meet up for a drink then afterwards"

Homage to thee, Osiris, Lord of eternity, King of the Gods, whose names are manifold, whose forms are holy, thou being of hidden form in the temples, whose Ka is holy."
-- Book of the Dead (1240 BC)

[This message has been edited by Jayhawk (edited 05-07-99).]

[This message has been edited by Jayhawk (edited 05-10-99).]

posted 05-07-99 11:17 ET (US)     5 / 98       
Big Tusky lumbered down a darkened side street, beginning to feel the effects on his muscles of the day's exertions. Suddenly, sharp familiar whistle halted him in his tracks. He turned and looked up a dimly-lit alley.

A very familiar figure in a purple Northern robe pushed back her hood and smiled at him. "Here, Tusky!" Incontinentia called. "Here, boy!"

Tusky trumpeted madly and barrelled up the alley towards his mistress. He skidded to a halt in front of her, wrapped his trunk around her and squeezed into a big hug.

"Heh heh! Good boy," she rubbed him between the eyes (just where he loved being scratched) and patted his huge jaw. "Have you been a good boy?"

He nodded, lifting her off her feet a few inches with every upward swing.

"And has everyone been treating you well?"

He nodded again, thought about Lethargic, paused...then continued nodding. He couldn't complain.

"Guess what I've got for my best elephant, hm?" She drew a paper-wrapped parcel from her robe, and started untying the string. Tusky's eyes widened. Sugar cane!! His favourite. He opened his mouth so she could chuck a piece inside, and began chewing contentedly.

"I've missed you so much, boy," she stroked his ears. "I've missed everyone." Tusky whimpered quietly and snuggled up for another hug.

Just then, a shadowy figure appeared at the mouth of the alley. Incontinentia peered at it. "Who's there?" she demanded.

"Lady Incontinentia?" a weaselly voice rasped. "Allow me to introduce myself. Special Investigator Tinius Nobbus, TSB Prefecture, Londinium branch."

"Oh for PETE'S SAKE," she sighed. "Not you again!"

"There's this little matter of using the internet when you know perfectly well you can't afford it," he grinned evilly at her.

She'd had enough of this. It was bad enough she was having to ration her utilities at home, give up ALL her leisure activities and pack in smoking MRed's lovely herbal cigarettes, but she'd been hoping to stop by Rome in disguise and enjoy a few brief days with her mates. Undisturbed.

"Tusky?" she said. Tusky's ears perked up.


The TSB SI was slammed into the stone wall of the alley by a powerful elephant trunk. He slumped to the ground, unconscious, with a tiny groan of agony. Tusky raised his huge foot and held it over the prone figure.

"No no, fella," Incontinentia stopped him. "He's had enough. Plus, I don't know what they'll do to me for offing an Inspector. Let's just go find the others, OK?"

Tusky did a little dance of joy. Which made the ground shake. He held one foreleg aloft so she could scramble onto his neck.

"C'mon big fella," she said, settling into her comfortable old seat, "take me to the others, Tusky! Good boy!"

Tusky set off at a steady plod. Incontinentia felt around and pulled out what she'd been sitting on.

"Tusky...why are there *pom poms* slung around your neck??"


[Ah - it's GOOD to be back!]

[This message has been edited by Incontinentia (edited 05-07-99).]

HG Alumnus
posted 05-08-99 17:03 ET (US)     6 / 98       
mouse and Ankhy huddle under the bench in the bath house. Dillypoo sits on the bench with beady black eyes wide open.

M: know it's almost mother's day but why did they bring Hannibal's mum here. She always chase me with a broom screaming about rodents.

A: she keeps throwing me outside screaming about rodents. Maybe if we stay under here she won't see us. (Ankhy slips a paw over the side of the bench and grabs Dillypoo)
Stay down here little one. The gods alone know what that woman would do to you.

[This message has been edited by mouse (edited 05-08-99).]

Eminence Grise
posted 05-10-99 11:21 ET (US)     7 / 98       
Jahakemhotep walks into the room where mouse and her friends are hiding, carrying a basket with towels. He puts the basket on the ground next to the bench.

"Jahakemhotep!" Hannibal exclaims, "meet Mum!"
"Pleased to make your acquaintance." Jahakemhotep nods, "if you'd excuse, me I'm on an errant."
He picks up the basket, checks under the towels and leave the tepidarium.
"Strange boy..." Hanibals mother mumbles. Then her attention is caught by Hannibal trying to sneak off.

The next day medals are presented at the hippodrome. The Kangaroo Krew rules the day and plan to do some serious partying in the forum.
"Don't worry, mouse, we'll see them tonight."

Evening falls and lamps and candles are lit all over the Forum Romanum. Some artist hold monologues, other play instruments. Barrels of wine and beer are broached and bread, olives, and roast mutton are enjoyed by all present.

Jahakemhotep, Anky and mouse have found a spot at a table with MRed, Flavius and the Kangaroo Krew. Congratulations are given and the party is soaring to the stars.
A gray shape moves up next to MRed, Ankhy starts hissing as a big grey wolf lifts it's muzzle to the lady.
"Err, miss? I hope you don't hold it against us? We was only doing our job..."
"No, that's okay, " she replies with a smile, "have some of this lovely herbal tea..."
she leans over to Flavius and whispers; "Let's see who wins next time..."

If you want to know the all details move to the Olympic forum

Homage to thee, Osiris, Lord of eternity, King of the Gods, whose names are manifold, whose forms are holy, thou being of hidden form in the temples, whose Ka is holy."
-- Book of the Dead (1240 BC)

Eminence Grise
posted 05-12-99 05:15 ET (US)     8 / 98       
It's getting quiet here...guess everybody's too busy winning medals. Let's do some sightseeing, want to come along, mouse?

Mouse's villa
"Thanks mouse, for putting me up for the night. My head is still buzzing from that herbal tea, MRed was serving."
Another door opens and the Lady Incontinentia walks in,
"Ooh mouse, that was a bit too much wine and the end I was seeing bankemployees everywhere. Horrible!" She shudders delicately.
"It seems everybody is busy with the games, but non-of the events seem to be public right now. Will you show us th esites, mouse?"
"What about me?" Incontinetia asks, "I can't go out?"
Jahakemhotep looks at her and smiles.
"Ladies, allow me..."
He walks back to his room and returns with a little case. Using some berryjuice dies he darkens Incontinentia's fair skin, then lavishly applies kohl and lapis to her eyes, finally he offers her some Egyptian jewelry and a wig.
She looks into the mirror.
"Even your mother wouldn't recognize you now, " mouse exclaims. "Let's go to town."

Homage to thee, Osiris, Lord of eternity, King of the Gods, whose names are manifold, whose forms are holy, thou being of hidden form in the temples, whose Ka is holy."
-- Book of the Dead (1240 BC)

Reckless Rodent
HG Halo Alumnus
(id: Angel Reckless Rodent)
posted 05-12-99 06:28 ET (US)     9 / 98       
Angel Reckless Rodent's turbocharged donkey carried on motoring towards its unknown destination. Suddenly, it stopped, nearly throwing RR over the handlebars.

"Ouch," said Reck, rubbing his stomach. "Why did you do that?"

"Quite simple," answered the donkey. "We're here."

Reck got off the donkey-come-moped and looked around, somewhat . "Erm...what is it I'm looking for?"

There was a thunderclap and a large box appeared before Reck. He took the key MRed had given him and turned it in the padlock. There was a click and the lock disappeared into space. The box swung open and Reck saw a small fluffy cloud sitting there.

Wow, he thought...that's fantastic! Good old MRed . He hopped on and turned the key in the ignition, waiting for the usual banging and crashing which had accompanied the starting of his old one. Instead, there was just the smooth sound of a brand new engine kicking into life.

Reck pushed the accelerator pedal and the cloud zoomed off into the sky. He grappled a bit with the controls and then set off towards Rome...

posted 05-12-99 13:02 ET (US)     10 / 98       
"This is soooo much fun!" Incontinentia said as they made their way down via Roma. "Ankhy - stop licking the berry juice off my arm!"

Ankhy purred in apology.

"Are you guys sure this wig suits me?" she asked the others. They all nodded enthusiastically.

"Where shall we go first?" MRed asked.

"How about Caesarius Winnius' steak restaurant, then the gladiator's compound for wine & dancing?" mouse suggested.

"Can we Lambada?" Incontinentia asked.

Suddenly they were approached by a young, dark-skinned boy with saucer-wide eyes. He stopped before them, unable to take his eyes off the governor of Londinium.

"Can we help you, young man?" MRed asked. She thought he looked Egyptian.

The boy finally gasped and cried "Cleopatra!" loud enough to get the whole street's attention.

"Huh?" Incontinentia looked down at her dress, touched her hair...and the penny dropped. "I think we overdid it with the disguise, folks."

"The disguise is fine - it's that Royal Sceptre & Flail 'Hotep insisted you carry," mouse replied.

By now a small crowd from an Egyptian traders' caravan nearby were forming a circle around them. "Queen Cleopatra!" the little boy cried, and pointed.

"All Hail Queen Cleopatra!" one of the men roared, and the crowd fell to its knees and bowed their heads to the ground.

"Erm...guys?" Incontinentia asked. "How are we going to get ourselves out of this one?"

Reckless Rodent
HG Halo Alumnus
(id: Angel Reckless Rodent)
posted 05-12-99 13:17 ET (US)     11 / 98       
RR zoomed across the sky above Rome. He could still make out Caesar's army encamped in the distance to the North of the city, approximately 15 miles or so outside the walls. 15 miles or so to the South of Rome, he could see Pompey and his great army encamped, ready to act when ordered. However, all this drama was lost upon the great majority of the Roman population, since they were all crowded into the Hippodrome watching the Olympics. Reck circled a couple of times over the stadium, finally deciding that it was time to move on when a sharpened stick zoomed past his ear. He looked down, and saw that the javelin event was in full swing.

As he chugged away from the hippodrome, he saw an Egyptian woman standing in one of the squares talking to a large audience, which was bowing before her. Reck descended a bit so he could hear her great words of wisdom. However, he could only catch snatches of what she was saying due to the chanting of the crowd.

"No, you don't understand...not Cleopatra...disguise... Ankhy, get off my... Oh heck, what do we do now..."

Reck chuckled and zoomed away again.


Caesar sat on his wooden throne and debated his next move with his advisors. Fungius Porcius, former Governor of Mediolanum who had jouned Caesar's rebellion, and Minimus Effortus, the leader of Rome's partician community, were discussing the merits of capturing Rome.

"Well, I wouldn't like to try at the moment," said Porcius. "There are far too many people there at the moment, what with the Olympics and everything."

Effortus disagreed. "I have heard rumours that Cleopatra has been spotted in Rome, supporting the Egyptian team. If we were to attack now, we might manage to take her prisoner. Of course, that would entail the bringing of the riches of Egypt under our control."

Caesar pondered the various options...

Meanwhile, back in Rome...

Angel Reckless Rodent &

HG Alumnus
posted 05-12-99 13:43 ET (US)     12 / 98       
mouse and Ankhy slip away through the crowd.

M: oh gods we have to get Incontinentia away from there before somebody catches her.

A: oh she tasted so good with the berry juice.

M: darn it Ankhy can't you think of anything besides your tummy. We need to get BT here. Let's get back to the palace.

mouse and Ankhy slip under the gate of the palace.

M: BT the Lady needs you right now to rescue here from a mob. But don't hurt anybody they are our Egyptian troops.

elephant trumpt can be heard all over the city even over the noise of the crowds. Ankhy climbs the wooded gate to let the latch down. As BT sweeps through the gate he scoops up Ankhy and mouse puts them on his head. Reaches back and locks the gate can't be too careful you know.
He marches to the edge of the crowd. Reaches over all the heads and rescues our adventurers.

BT: My Lady you know you should never go anywhere without me. You're almost as bad as that Legionaire for getting into trouble.

LI: but BT it's awfully hard to not be notice when riding such a huge elephant and we just wanted to sightsee.
OH look there is Angel Reckless Rodent on a cloud. Wow it's not making all that nasty smoke that it use to MRed did a really good job fixing it up.

BT: don't try changing the subject. We're out of here and back to the palance. Who is that little boy following us?

Reckless Rodent
HG Halo Alumnus
(id: Angel Reckless Rodent)
posted 05-12-99 13:52 ET (US)     13 / 98       
Caesar marched through the streets of Rome at the head of a detachment of his army. Suddenly, they heard a great chanting coming from a nearby square.

"Quick, follow that chanting!" shouted Caesar.

He and his cohort of troops raced into the square to see a rather confused woman dressed in Egyptian clothing saying something to the adoring throng of people before here.

"Seize her!" yelled Caesar. 5 of his soldiers detached themselves from his body of troops and pushed their way through the crowd. 2 of them grabbed the woman and pulled her back through the square, despite the protestations of a few figures next to her. On reaching Caesar, the group turned back and raced to the gate.

On reaching his camp again, Caesar gloated. "Hehe...we've captured the Empress of Egypt. All the wealth of that country will now come into my hands..."


[This message has been edited by Angel Reckless Rodent (edited 05-12-99).]

Eminence Grise
posted 05-12-99 15:23 ET (US)     14 / 98       
War Council in mouse's villa.
"We got to get Incontinentia back, " BT grumbles and trumpets.
"Shoosh, BT you can't just rush off, you'll be captured." MRed tries to sooth the enraged elephant.
"She's right, BT, calm down." mouse squeeks.
"Ladies, ...and elephants" Jahakemhotep add quickly as Tusky glares at him.
"Ouch, and kittens" as Ankhy climbs his leg.
"First we need to find out where she is. Did anybody notice who took her? These romans look all alike to me."

"It was Caesar himself, " a voice interrupts.
"Angel Reck!, " mouse rushes towards her favourite angel. "We didn't hear you come in. Did you come without your cloud?"
"No, mouse, MRed made me a present. A wonderful new and fluffy cloud. Lady MRed, my thanks is beyond words. I am in your debt."
"It was a pleasure, Reck, anything to help an angel."

"But Lady I?" Ankhy meows. "What shall we do?"
"Jay, if you don't mind me calling you so, where are Marc Anthony's troops?" Reck asks
"On the other side of the Po, " Jahakemhotep replies, "He'll never be on time. Could you spy on Caesar's camp?"
"I can, " mouse interrupts, "I'll ask my kin."

Homage to thee, Osiris, Lord of eternity, King of the Gods, whose names are manifold, whose forms are holy, thou being of hidden form in the temples, whose Ka is holy."
-- Book of the Dead (1240 BC)

Reckless Rodent
HG Halo Alumnus
(id: Angel Reckless Rodent)
posted 05-12-99 15:43 ET (US)     15 / 98       
Am I mouse's fave Angel?

Caesar was getting frustrated. "Look, why are you insisting that you're not Cleopatra? It's plain for everyone to see that you're an Egyptian princess. If you refuse to cooperate, then I'll have to imprison you."

Incontinentia looked around wildly. "Look, for the hundredth time, I'm not Cleopatra. I'm Incontinentia, governor of Londinium."

"Pah. A likely story. You can lie all you like, but you can't hide the truth. Guards! Put her in chains until she decides to cooperate."


Reck left the meeting and hopped onto his cloud again. It was time to do some scouting.
As he zoomed over the skyline of Rome, he saw that the games were continuing, the participants being blissfully unaware of what was going on around them. As he passed over the stadium, a discus nearly knocked Reck off his cloud.
"Wow, that was close...they should really put warning beacons round this place," Reck mused as he climbed a bit higher to avoid the projectiles.


Minimus Effortus stood in the Senate building addressing the rest of the senators.
"Sirs, it appears as if we are in grave danger. I suggest that we relocate the capital of the Roman Empire to Capua, and abandon Rome to Caesar."

"Never!!!," roared an infuriated Cicero. "If we were to abandon our traditional capital, Caesar would be able to claim some kind of legitimate authority as the owner of Rome. If that happens, then we're all dead. You don't think that he'd allow any senators to survive, do you?"

The debate raged on. Meanwhile,...

posted 05-12-99 18:48 ET (US)     16 / 98       
MRed: Oh, Angel Reck...the cloud turned out to your satisfaction?? Hope you like the small innovations I added...the silver lining, for one...and the turbo activate it, push the green button. But, let me warn you, DO NOT push the red button for any reason.......The yellow button is for the invisible cloak, makes all who are on the cloud invisible, and enables you to squeeze into very small places. The blue button is the directional finder....The purple button is the "map" feature. Set the pointer to where you want to go, and the cloud will autopilot to your destination. Also, the orange button is the depth finder, and will allow you to find a particular person in a city...

Use this cloud wisely, and it will serve you well. Oh, by the way, I put a deposit down for you at the Oasis Mart, and you have enough credit for a million gallons of fuel. Just make sure you add synthetic oil every 5000 miles. Or, if you like, I will maintain it for you, just bring it in to the shop... REMEMBER.... DO NOT PUSH THE RED BUTTON FOR ANY REASON.....


ICQ # 38153215

posted 05-12-99 21:23 ET (US)     17 / 98       
Incontinentia paced back and forth in her cell, pulling at her hair. "Why won't this ruddy wig come off!" she fumed. Then she remembered letting 'Hotep use industrial-strength spirit gum to hold it down. 'Live and learn,' she thought.

The berry juice had stained her skin, it was no use trying to wash it off. 'But,' she mused as she looked at her reflection in a bowl of water, 'the lapis and kohl round the eyes looks damn good. Must remember how he applied it...'

Several floors above, a guard ran into Caesar's throne room.

"Damn you, Stupidicus!" Caesar roared. "How many times have I told you guards not to disturb me when I'm on the 'throne'! Wait for me in the Royal Throne Chamber!!"

"Apologies, my Caesar!" Stupidicus stammered, backing out slowly.

"Hang on!" Caesar barked. As long as you're here, hand me that sponge on a stick..."

Caesar joined the guards and his advisors in the Throne Chamber shortly. "Now, what's so important I couldn't finish the crossword puzzle in today's Dailius Smuttus?"

"O Mighty Caesar!" Stupidicus snapped to attention. "A huge, angry mob of livid Egyptians, a flustered mouse, a confused kitten and one extremely irate Carthaginian elephant are outside the Palace gates, demanding the immediate release of Queen Cleopatra!"

"I've had enough of this," Caesar sighed. "Maybe we can cut a deal with the Egyptian bird. Half of the Southern Delta, say. Bring her to me."

Incontine-- uh, Cleopatra - was escorted into the Chamber. She bowed before her emperor. "Hail, O Mighty Caesar," she said.

"Well, that's more like it," Caesar chuckled. "The last time our lot met your lot, you weren't nearly as polite."

Just then, Marc Antony stormed into the Throne Chamber. "My Lord Caesar, I bring news of--" He stopped short when he caught sight of Inconti-patra.

Their eyes met.

Their expressions softened.

"Wow," Cleopatra breathed.

"Stone me," Marc Antony muttered.

Caesar looked from one to the other. "Will someone PLEASE tell me what in Hades is going on!!" he demanded.

HG Alumnus
posted 05-13-99 09:36 ET (US)     18 / 98       
crowd noises and trumpeting elephants.

M: BT please I can't hear myself think. There's got to be a way to get the Lady Incontinentia away. Maybe if we can prove she's not Cleopatra. But we can't let Caesar know who she really is either. woe is me woe is me

Meanwhile in the palace

LI: oh Marc how wonderful you look. (a soft misty smile on her face.)

MA: My lady you are as beautiful as ever. What are you doing here. Why is BT making such a racket? (all said with a soft smile and a dangerous light in his eyes)

My Lord Caesar why are you holding the lovely Lady Incontinentia. There is a riot at your gates. An army camped across the river. Should you not be trying to make people happy so they would support you.

posted 05-13-99 13:14 ET (US)     19 / 98       
"What are you talking about?" Caesar scoffed. "That's not Incontinentia. That's Cleopatra, Queen of Egypt!"

"Really?" Marc Antony looked sidelong at the Royal Flail & Sceptre, the gold dress, the hair. He was starting to see a resemblance...

"I'll prove it to you," Caesar told him, and turned to the young woman. "You, missy: what's the name of the river that runs through Egypt?"

"The Nile. Damn!" Cleopatra winced as she realised she should have thought up another name.

"Thought so," Caesar smirked. "Alright, then; what d'you call those big, pointy stone buildings that are so popular in your homeland?"

"Pyramids. Bugger!" Cleo flinched again. She wasn't exactly helping her own cause...

"Blimey," Stupidicus whispered to the guard next to him, "for a queen, she's got a mouth like a legionnaire!" The other guard nodded in surprised agreement.

Caesar smiled. "See? If that's not THE Cleopatra, I'll beat my own Honour Guard. To death!"

The Honour Guard looked imploringly at Cleopatra.

'Oh, stone the crows...' she thought, looking at their frightened faces. She had a very soft heart. She shrugged. "I'm...Cleopatra, Queen of Upper & Lower Egypt, Mistress of All She Surveys, Beloved of Isis & Osiris, Drinking Buddies With Horis, De-Flea-er of The Holy Bastet, Bridge Partner of the Mighty--"

"Yeah, alright, fine," Caesar interrupted, "we haven't got all day. Now, Marc Antony: what is the news you bring me?"

Marc Antony didn't hear him, because he was busy sidling up to Cleo. "Doing anything later, Your Majesty?" he whispered, and winked.

Cleo's eyebrows shot skyward.

Meanwhile...somewhere else...

Reckless Rodent
HG Halo Alumnus
(id: Angel Reckless Rodent)
posted 05-13-99 14:10 ET (US)     20 / 98       
The debate in the Roman Senate was turning nasty.

"Are you suggesting that I'm in the pay of the rebel Caesar?" cried a horrified Minimus Effortus.

"Why else would you suggest abandoning Rome to Caesar's mercy?" enquired Cicero, slightly louder than was really necessary.

"I simply suggest it because I believe it to be preferable to be alive in Capua than dead here in Rome! Caesar has all the legions of Gaul behind him! Pompey's only got the legons from Italy. What chance do we have?"

A man hurried into the Senate, ducking to avoid a stone tablet which was hurled across the room. He dashed up to Cicero, passed him 2 scrolls, and left as hurriedly as he had arrived. Cicero read the scrolls and then stood up.

"Silence please...I said SILENCE!!!" he yelled. The room went quiet. "Now, Effortus...I hold in my hand the evidence of your treason. I put it to you that you are not only in cahoots with the rebel Caesar, but in fact one of his closest advisors. What say you to that?"

"Bah, how did you find that out? Still, you'll have to catch me first!" said Effortus, as he turned and rushed out of the Senate. A burly figure standing behind him threw something at Cicero, who ducked. The stone tablet hit the wall behind him and shattered. The burly figure rushed out after his master.

"What was the other message, O great Cicero?" asked Amatus Republicanius, one of the senators.

"Oh, more good news - news has reached the Judean and Iberian legions of our plight. They should be here in a few weeks to aid us. Then, Caesar won't have a chance."


Reck zoomed back across the Mediterranean to Egypt. He had to figure out a way of rescuing Incontinentia from the clutches of Caesar and Marc Anthony. Suddenly, he had an idea. He headed for Cleopatra's palace, and circled above it for 10 minutes or so, scribbling something on a rather ropey bit of papyrus. He then descended and grabbed a bit of the tiling on the roof.

Bigswordamen, one of the guards standing in front of the entrance to the palace, heard a dull thud and a groan. He turned to see his colleague lying on the floor rubbing his head - a shattered roof tile was lying around him. However, that wasn't all - there was also a rather scruffy piece of papyrus. Bigswordamen read it, paled a little, and rushed into the palace.

Cleopatra was sitting on her throne, dozing quietly. Her peace was suddenly disturbed by the sound of the door crashing open. Bigswordamen rushed in and kneeled before his Queen.

"Your Majesty, there's someone in Rome claiming to be you. It's feared that she will give your Empire to the evil Romans. Something must be done."

Cleo stifled a yawn. "I guess you're right. Ready the royal barge - I need to be in Alexandria by dusk. Then I can sail to Rome and confront this fake. And who knows, I might even manage to pull Marc Anthony...I've heard that he's a bit of a hunk ."


Eminence Grise
posted 05-13-99 17:23 ET (US)     21 / 98       
A cloaked figure enters the Senate.
"Now what, " Cicero barks. The senators look up, the guards approach, as the figure throws back the cowl of his mantle and reveals a very Egyptian visage.
"Who in Tartarus are you?"
"Greetings, Lord Cicero. My name is Jahakemhotep, I bring you tidings that might be to your liking."
"What do you mean?"
"Lord Marc Anthony has several legions camped near Rome, just north of the Po. He is here to stop Caesar. Egypt has seen fit to aid him."
"Anthony was seen in Caesar's camp with that harl..., err, your queen."
"He's in Rome?"
"He was seen there yesterday."
"Hmm, I need to check something, you'll here from me again."

He wraps the cloak around him and in the flickering light a jackal shadow seems to be painted behind him.
Cicero shudders.

Homage to thee, Osiris, Lord of eternity, King of the Gods, whose names are manifold, whose forms are holy, thou being of hidden form in the temples, whose Ka is holy."
-- Book of the Dead (1240 BC)

Reckless Rodent
HG Halo Alumnus
(id: Angel Reckless Rodent)
posted 05-13-99 17:38 ET (US)     22 / 98       
Minimus Effortus was gathering up his goods from his palace in the Roman suburbs.

"Right, grab anything of value that can be moved. I can't afford to leave anything too expansive here. People might be here at any moment to ransack the place."

Ten minutes later Effortus was sitting atop a cart full of treasure, leaving Rome and heading north towards Caesar's camp. He looked around, and sighed as he saw flames licking from the roof of his palace.
"Oh well," he mused. "At least whoever did that will have fun handling the wild animals."

Sure enough, back in Rome, the prefects sent by Cicreo to destroy Effortus's palace were having a tough time of it. Before leaving, Effortus has ensured that his private zoo, containing a couple of lions and some tigers, was opened and the animals turfed out. Now, as flames consumed his palace, the bodies of at least 10 prefects were to be seen lying where the hungry animals had found them.


"When I asked for the royal barge to be readied, this wasn't really what I had in mind," said Cleopatra irritably, looking at the small skiff that bobbed up and down in front of her. "What's happened to my normal ship?"

"Well, your Majesty," answered the captain. "Remember when we hit that sandbank in the Nile last week? Well, the old barge is still at the refitters getting repaired. This will have to do, I'm afraid."

"Oh, very well then," said Cleo as she stepped aboard. "Off to Alexandria!"


Cicero was confused. "What sort of people are we letting into the Senate these days? What happened to the guards who are supposed to be protecting the doors?"

Amatus Republicanus piped up, " sent all the prefects who normally guard this building to ransack Effortus's palace."

"Oh yes, I remember. Speaking of that, where have they got to?"

At that moment, a prefect with extremely tattered clothing and bite marks all down both arms, fell through the door. Several of the senators rushed to see what was the matter.

"Cicero, it seems as if there were wild animals running around Effortus's palace when the prefects got there," one of the senators called out.

"Damn. How many have we lost?"

"Erm...about 15 I think."

"Double damn. And we need all the men we can get to hold Rome against Caesar. Republicanus, I want you to go to General Pompey and order him to move into the city with half his troops. Billet them around the city and in the barracks. By the sounds of it, a couple of the prefectures might have sme vacant rooms too."

"Righty-ho, O Cicero." Republicanus saluted before waddling out of the Senate.


Meanwhile, back in Caesar's camp...

Eminence Grise
posted 05-14-99 05:36 ET (US)     23 / 98       
A dark cloaked shape moves into Marc Anthony's tent. The guards don't even blink.
"Anthony? "
"Aaargh, don't sneak up on me, " the big Roman look sup from th emap he was studying. "What are you doing here?"
"I was about to ask the same of you? What happened at the Po?"
"Well, I left a century there to keep the fires burning and pretend the legions were still there. Then we moved across the river and sneaked past. Brutus is in charge of the Eastern Legions. We're camped half a day North of Rome.
I was just here sucking up to Caesar to put his mind to rest. I've been sending messegers to Pompey, down South.
By the way, what's Incon doing here?"
"Err, we disguised her so we could go out on the town. I gues we went a tad overboard on the disguise."
"You can say that again..."
"Don't I know, don't I know..."
"Can you get her out of here? Caesar thinks she's Cleo, but I recognize those shapley legs everywhere."
"I don't know, where are they keeping her?"
"He's locked her up, A heavily guarded tent next to his, you'll never get near..."
Jahakmhotep smile bares his canines.
"Err, then again, you just might. It's the big blue tent, next to the purple one with all the eagle standards posted in front.. Hard to miss, there's also two centuries camped about it keeping her from running away."
"Right, I'll go and have a look. Oh, send a messenger to the Senate, they're starting to panic."

His cloak wrapped closely the young Egyptian walks out of the tent.

Homage to thee, Osiris, Lord of eternity, King of the Gods, whose names are manifold, whose forms are holy, thou being of hidden form in the temples, whose Ka is holy."
-- Book of the Dead (1240 BC)

posted 05-14-99 05:53 ET (US)     24 / 98       
"He really said that? He said I had shapely legs??" Inconti-patra demanded.

"Yes, Incontinentia," Jahakemhotep (who'd gained clandestine entry to her cell/tent by posing as a servant bringing food) said. "But that's not important right now--"

"Did he say anything about my hair?" she brushed the wig with one hand.

"No, just the legs--"

Inconti-patra's squeal of delight cut him off. Then she emitted a most ungovernor-like giggle, and started checking herself in the mirror.

"Listen," she said, "did you bring your Egyptian make-up kit with you? I think I need a touch-up."

"Incon, PLEASE!" Jahakemhotep sighed. "There's no time for that now!"

"No time?" she repeated. "Have you SEEN Marc Antony? Have you ever seen him Lambada?! I'm not turning up an opportunity like this."

"But we have to arrange your escape--"

"Oh," she rolled her eyes, "done and done. Been taken care of since this afternoon."

"Really?" His brow furrowed. "How?"

He got his answer when an elephant's trunk snaked into the tent's entrance. Outside could be heard a mouse's squeak, a confused kitten's mew and MRed muttering "Quiet! I don't know how long that guard's going to stay knocked out!!"

Cleo-nentia shrugged. "I believe my ride's here. Fancy taking a stroll over to Marc Antony's camp?"

Reckless Rodent
HG Halo Alumnus
(id: Angel Reckless Rodent)
posted 05-14-99 06:44 ET (US)     25 / 98       
Amatus Republicanus trundled back into the Senate, where most of the senators were waiting for him. "O Cicero, the message has been communicated to Pompey. He says that he'll enter Rome with the 2nd, 15th and 17th legions later this evening."

Cicero was well pleased with himself. "Excellent. Once we've got some troops here, I'll feel a lot more secure."


Minimus Effortus, complete with cart laden with goodies, entered Caesar's camp 15 miles to the north of Rome.

"Halt, who goes there?"

"Eh?" wondered Effortus. "What do you mean 'Who goes there?'? I'm Minimus Effortus, leader of the patrician community in Rome and one of Caesar's leading advsors. How dare you question my identity. I'll have you crucified for this."

He marched on indignantly into the camp, leaving the guard behind him. 'Funny', Effortus thought. 'Unusual for a camp guard to be wearing a cloak like that.' He turned to take another look, but the shadowy figure had disappeared. Effortus shuddered, and continued towards Caesar's tent.


Cleopatra was getting highly irritated. "What do you mean 'We've run aground'? We're in the middle of the Nile."

The captain of the skiff-come-royal-barge looked puzzled. "I don't know either, your Majesty. I don't remember there being a sand bank here last time we took this route."

A small cloud formed above the boat. "Oh wonderful. Just what I needed," said Cleo. "Rain. And I didn't even bring my umbrella."

At that, a face popped over the edge of the cloud. "Psst, Cleo. You need to get to Alexandria, right? Here, grab my hand."

Cleopatra tentatively reached up to take hold of the arm poking out over the edge of the while fluffy cloud. Suddenly, she was lifted clean off the ground as Reck ascended.
"Don't worry, your Majesty. Alexandria our next stop!"


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